modern hussy's etiquette

My favorite weather is here!

Steamy hot over thirty degrees sweat all the time sunshine and shorty shorts weather.

However, instead of waking up at noon followed by coffee followed by tanning on the terasse followed by luring boys into late night whiskey activities as per last summer, this year I get to wake up too early to think and make the depressing trek to the office.
People-judging on my way and at work, I have realized how many women are completely incapable of dressing themselves in this weather.

I thought winter was bad, yet day in and day out I see sweaty, messy, terrible disaster making their morning trek.
Because I am a nice person I will give you some glorious tips on how to make sure you look well pulled together and a poster child for summer cool, professionally.

1. Public transport and heat wave are the worst of all combos. You have to make sure you give yourself am extra ten minutes because as soon as you have to run for one of your connections you’re a sweaty mess and it’s pretty much over.
2. You also have to strategize your outfits to fit both the outside tropical weather and your air conditioned cubicle. Thankfully, I work in fashion, in a pretty young office, so we are not totally buzzkilled with a dress code of lady suits and button downs. Most offices are pretty much the entire Zara collection all the time, and very few of my readers probably wear lady suits. So remember what works: summer dress + cardi= perfect office outfit / remove cardi = après office cool. Most offices are air conditioned to hell so you will want to have a light sweater, which also acts as coverage for dress code inappropriate tops.
3. Remember what’s NOT ok, even if your office is really relaxed.
This morning I saw a bitch wearing pleather short shorts TO WORK. the only way you could maaaaybe remotely pull that off is if you weigh approximately 80 pounds, which she most definitely did not, instead appearing like she strapped a truck tire  tube to her ass. Short shorts + tight tank top are not ok. Dressy shorts (ie must have pockets and a zipper, no rips and not be denim) with a chemise or loose flowing top paired with flat sandals are totally office appropriate on a Friday. Never ever pair your short shorts with stilettos or high heels, because you will look like an Easto hooker.
4. Shoes- your more risky (read- short or revealing) outfits can be mellowed out with the appropriate footwear choice. Flat sandals, driving slippers, ballets, oxfords can all take your look from hoe to summer professional.
5. High heeled sandals were made for this. Wear yours with cuffed pants or even boyfriend jeans and a loose tank or t shirt. Or with a flowing skirt and light sweater.
6. The universal dressing rule applies here: if you are going to he more revealing on top, you cover more on the bottom and vice versa. Example: if you are wearing a boobascular tank top, wear long pants or knee length skirt. If you are going with a shorter skirt or shorts, add a loose tee, or light sweater on top.
7. Things that I have seen at work which are never ok no matter what:
-fluo bandeau top with crochet top over it (are you at the beach? Wtf)
-yoga clothes as work clothes
-anything backless (especially with your bra strap showing… Ughhhhhhhhggh)
-anything too short or too tight. Should he self explanatory. No one needs to see your cervix.
-flip flops- If you dressed up for work, but then put on flip flops, it doesn’t count. Flip flops are only ok for the beach or running out to the corner store to get milk or chilling pool side and not wanting to get foot fungus from the change rooms. Flip flopped feet in the city are filthy and disgusting. Shame!!!! Flat sandals are readily available everywhere and most likely on sale right now. Get some!                                                                                                                   8. Everyone sweats differently. If you are moist as soon as temperatures hit the 20s, wear white or black, and loose items, so that you do not get pit or back stains. I found that going to hot yoga for several years has really helped me with heat management and I can usually yoga breathe myself out of any sweat potential situation!

Follow these simple rules to looking like a million bucks, instead of a slutty sweaty trainwreck

Happy summer

M.H.

Thank gah for the cold spell we are having.

At least bitches are back in shoes that mostly cover their feet.

I had a lot of cringe-y moments during the heat wave 2 weeks ago, seeing girls ‘strut’ in their summer specials.
I wrote you a really good and comprehensive post last summer here to educate you on the etiquette of showing your feet, but seeing how like eight people read this blog clearly the message did not get across.
So please re-read and share part 1  with as many friends as possible before continuing to today’s part 2.
Here are my tips for selecting foot exposing summer sandals:

1. Nobody likes it too high. I lurve being over six feet tall in my amazing Carvelas, but honey, I’ve had years of practice and I still only wear them when I know I’m getting driven door to door or will be drinking (everybody knows that alcohol is like a magical painkiller). There is NOTHING endearing about looking like Bambi on ice and the only dudes you will attract wearing heels so high is predatory dudes. The ones looking for girls who are swaying on their heels due to imbalance and are so drunk they will probably put out just so they can take their uncomfortable shoes off. I challenge you to look at girls who can’t walk in their heels- whether they are the back leaners or look like a trampling Tyrannosaurus Rex - they look awkward and uncomfortable.

2. Find your comfort level. I said it before and I’ll say it again, wear shoes that fit you. Don’t  try to mash your feet into something really slim if you have a wide foot and high arches.  Find the brand that fits you and stick with it, as the models are usually alike.  And for the love of all things good and pure please do NOT buy shoes that are too small for you. There is nothing more heinous than toes hanging over sandals. It looks so terrible. I don’t care if you find Jill Sanders sandals made from gold as freaking baby unicorns at 99% off that you’d give up your first born for,  if they are too small for you, it is time to walk away (or purchase them for a friend with a smaller foot).

3. Other missfit issues: when your baby toe is not contained by the cross strap of your sandal (blargh), and when the straps are too tight on you making your lower calf look like a a stringed sausage.

4. Know when to accept defeat. Some women just aren’t made for wearing heels. There is something off with your feet, you have poor circulation, or you walk weird. That’s just a part of life. Even I can only do a full day in heels (from morning till after dinner) two times a week max and only in my comfiest, reserving the less comfortable ones for short events.  There are plenty of mid-heel or flat options out there that make you look absolutely smashing but do not give you pain.

5. Always start with a gorgeus base. Take good care of your feet! Scrub, pumice, slather in lotions and get regular pedis if you plan to expose them. There is nothing more unappetizing than cracked yellow heels and chipped polish over scraggly nails….ok I seriously just gagged. You don’t want to make people gag, do you?

I realize that people will say that if one feels sexy as fuck I should just let them be. The issue is, when you are wearing uncomfortable shoes you can’t walk in, you don’t feel or look sexy as fuck. All you can think of is how badly you wish you could take your shoes off as your shirt moistens with sweat because you are working so hard just to be able to walk. Feeling sexy has to do with being effortlessly striking- hard to achieve when your shoes are filling up with blood.
So now go get a pedicure, get your new amazing well fitting sandals out of the freezer * and show the world what a cool and confident summer girl you are!

* putting your shoes in the freezer is a trick I have for breaking them in faster. Freeze for 20 min. then wear to mould the leather or suede to your feet.  Only works with non synthetic materials. 

If you have been reading this blog for a while you may have noticed that I talk about bums a lot.  Showing them, not showing them, when to flash them, how to dress them and how to use them to your advantage.  One anonymous reader has noted this and asked me what one should do to have a nicely fitted bottom for the upcoming summer season.  Spring has only just arrived and there is still time to get your bottom in perfect upside down heart shape just in time for those shorty shorts and days of lounging by some kind of body of water. 

So here we go, this week’s post is about how to get your ass in shape for summer.  

Step One:

Exercise.  No one can ever convince me that you can arrive to a nice bum without some serious lunges.  Sitting on a chair all day while eating cookies at the office is not helping anyone, but most of us sedentary workers really have no choice.  So after or before work, make sure you give your bum a maintenance session 10-15 minutes a day.  Not a huge commitment, yet a world of benefits.  Personally I dislike crazy contraptions most people use at the gym and prefer to use dumbells and/ or my own body weight to get a work out in.   The following exercises can be done pretty much anywhere, and do not require any equipment. 

1. Squats 3 sets x 12 reps. Knees hip width apart, stick your bum out as far as it will go and sit down in an imaginary chair behind you.  Go down lower than you think you can go and make sure you keep your abs sucked in. 
2. Lunges 3 sets x 12 reps. Personally I am a big fan of jumping lunges, way better burn and way better effects, but if you are a wimp or a beginner, you can do the regular ones, maybe with some weights (or waterbottles).
3. Stairs.  Find a flight and go at it.  Jump 2 stairs at a time for way better results.  Alternatively find a chair or bench and step up on it, alternating legs after 12 reps. This gets you a super nice booty.  Forreals.

I am fairly certain that there is a plethora of other bumcersizes and I encourage you to do any you like.  The ones mentioned above and the bread and butter or butts, and ones I personally implement into my workouts.

Step Two

Maintenance:

I feel like bums often get left out during the cleaning and primping procedures people go thru.  While we put a lot of effort into shaving our legs, moisturizing our faces and ensuring the rest of the body is smooth and covered with some kinda lotion, bums are often just washed and covered up with a pair of undies.  To keep the skin on your bum young and taut, one needs to pay more attention.  Definitely use some kind of a loofah on your bum.  Our booties need additional circulation after being sat on all day, and being squeezed into that pair of skinnies from Uniqlo, and you also want to exfoliate off the dead skin cells.  Use alternating warm and cold water for an even more intense massage.  Afterwards, make sure you moisturize!  When dressing think about what you expose your booty to.  If you are planning to wear jeans, make sure you wear Full underwear and not a thong.  Putting jeans directly on your bum skin is like dressing a baby up in sandpaper.  Protect your bum!!!

I hope this helps and answers your questions, Anonymous.

Additionally to this, please refer back to my old post on booty shorts, as a reminder of appropriate dressing.           http://modernhussy.tumblr.com/day/2010/08/30

Love, the Modern Hussy    

I still have my feet on the ground, I just wear better shoes. (Oprah, yes, really)      

I have a GRAVE and EXTREMELY serious topic this schaiße weather Monday.  This is something I do NOT eff around with: FEET. 

Yes, readers, I know that the summer is pretty much officially over for most of you, however I want to engrave this topic into all your pretty heads, and have you spread the word, so that, when next summer comes, I do not have to witness such disgusting atrocity as summer past. Ugly calloused, yellowed cracked heels, piles of old skin, chipped polish, overly long toe nails…. Need I go on?  Please don’t make me as I am getting gaggy already. I hate other people’s feet, I really do.  Heck, I have made a career out of covering them up, that is how much I do not wish for them to see the light of day. 

My very wise friend C once announced that she thinks pedicures should be mandatory like dental checkups, and I couldn’t agree more.  Leaving that much dead skin on any part of your body can’t be good for you… we are looking at foot fungus, infected blisters, in grown toenails, and the yellowed cracking….? Uuughghghghghghg. While no one expects you to run to the foot spa every other week (I do get monthly pedis, and my foot hygiene is impeccable based on the previously mentioned foot hatred… I can only stand mine if they are in gorgeus shape), but a self pedicure every month is highly encouraged, and a professional one should be done AT THE VERY LEAST at the start of sandal season and at the end.

If you do not have the time or desire to make a whole ritual of it, it would not hurt to pumice those heels every other day at the end of your shower, when the dead skin cells have loosened up.  It is kind of like flossing, just do a bit every day to avoid major disasters later on.  I would invest in a decent foot cream and moisturize those babies in the evening before you go to bed.  Just these two small contributions will make you look a million times better. Really. As for the toes, try to avoid aggressive polishes (or only keep them on for a week max), this is to ensure that you do not end up with chipped old looking crimson toes.  It makes you look sloppy, no matter if you read in Nylon that chipped polish is in… sloppiness is NEVER in. (One should not listen to advice from Peaches Geldof)

Finally, once again, make sure your shoes fit well.  The better the fit, the less likely your feet will get damaged.  PLEASE MAKE SURE, and this applies to a lot of seemingly attractive women, that your sandals are not too small for you.  When your toes hang over the front of your platforms making your feet look like claws, you need bigger shoes, you look ridiculous, and I don’t care if they are Dolce and you got them at 50% off.

Boys, your feet are also important.  Get a pedi once in a while. They feel nice and will make your football shoes hurt less.  I have several very manly friends who I have talked into pedicures and they absolutely loved them.  I mean, foot massage by young pretty girl? Hello!!!

I keep my feet in great shape year round, because you never know when you might be trying on stilettos, summer OR winter. And you want to do it without shame.  Additionally, pretty feet makes boys want to buy me shoes, it’s a win win for all parties involved.

Now, go!!!