All right single girl, you’re doing it.
You successfully got over your ex, are over your fear of new penises and are starting to date.
You quickly realize just how sucky you are at this.
Don’t worry. No one is a natural and these things improve over time (and over more dates).
In all likelihood you will meet someone who already frequents your circles. Even the biggest city is actually not that big, once you factor in your age group, scene, interests and the fact that everything you do is contained within a five block radius of your house.
This is great (less cab fare when you abruptly leave the bar with a hook up to go make out at your place), but it is also really sucky because let’s face it, 9 out of 10 dudes you meet will be a learning experience (this is what girls call a waste of time). This means that you will probably see them around once you are done with them, and they will likely know the next dude you hook up with. Not everyone has the ‘I’m leaving the country excuse’ that I used to be so fond of following every major dating disaster, so you are just going to have to learn how to diplomatically bang and date in the city.
1. Minimize your one night stands. I’m just as fond of banging a stranger as the next girl, but there is a time and place for it. If you repeatedly go to the bar, get slutty and wake up next to a gentleman who’s name you can’t remember, you might want to instill a four drink maximum. One night stands are ok sometimes. However, making the rounds with every willing dude in town will give you a rep and an unsatisfying sex life.
2. Be honest. If you don’t want to be exclusive make sure you let the people you date know that right from the start. Running into someone you are seeing when you are on a date with someone else is painful enough, yet miles worse when either one thinks you are his girlfriend.
3. Don’t lead anyone on. Once you realize this person is not for you, give him one more chance (or sleep with him one more time) and then abort mission. Dating is supposed to be fun. Dating is not supposed to be a stressful experiment where you have to convince yourself that this is what you want. Trust your gut feeling, if you are not into him within the first three to five dates you are likely not going to develop that. Don’t waste time!
4. Beware of the spider. There are some guys (and girls) who know how to manipulate every situation by being the really nice guy who treats you like gold. He also avoids getting dumped by telling you that he is ok with being casual and dating other people (he isn’t). You get tangled up in this emotional web until you wake up one day and realize that he tricked you into moving in (he was only offering a temporary sublet when your apartment flooded and you thought this was so nice), and now is well on the way to wife you. I always say give nice guys a chance, but don’t stay with them just because they are nice!
You can’t make a spark where there wasn’t one to begin with!
4. Keep the dramz to a minimum. You probably shouldn’t tell everyone about your date’s craziness or preferences in bed. Whether it works out or not, don’t gossip! Dating in a small scene means that people will talk. Becoming known as the girl who kisses and tells will ensure that no one will want to date you! Respect your date’s privacy and hope he will do the same.
5. Don’t fall into insta girlfriend mode. It’s easy to get carried away, and you do have feelings and emotions. However acting all girlfriend like with a dude you just met or one you do not see as a long term investment is in bad taste. You do want to get to know him and you do want to be yourself, but planning vacations six months from the third date is very emotionally slutty (and that’s the worst kind of slut!). Enter every situation with cautious optimism and reserve some distance until you are both ready for a more serious mutually agreed on commitment.
Now, while I want you to have really good sexytimes, I highly suggest that you keep any semi extreme kinks to yourself. It’s nice to explore your sexuality with a partner you trust, but don’t whip out all the tricks on a first time sleepover. I’m not telling you to be vanilla, I just suggest that you ease into any kinks slowly ad make sure that your partner is into it. One-sided dirty talk is awwwwkkkward!!!
6. Learn how to break up. Disappearing and stopping all contact will guarantee a lot of awkward run ins in your neighbourhood! Have the decency to break up like an adult. Again, I know that this is an uncomfortable convo to have, but a very important one. No one likes break ups, but you will be a much better person if you walk away from a dating situation with a polite goodbye and limited dramz. You will be flagged as a crazy, however, if your breakups consist of 3 am text messages and drunken public outbursts.
Wrap up every situation as you would a job. Bridge burners suck.
You don’t have to be friends with a romance gone wrong, but you should be civil, you never know who your next review will come from.
7. Take time off. Don’t start dating his friend the next day. Take some time off to secretly regale your girlfriends with the stories of what a disaster your last date was, take yourself to the spa and do some yoga. Even if you only dated for a week or two, you need to take a breather, and note what went wrong.
I think that covers it. Tune in next week for another episode!
Happy dating MH
