modern hussy's etiquette

This weekend the Modern Hussy did some heavy house work in a heat wave, which pretty much resulted in a uniform of short shorts and high tops, and a slightly disheveled overall appearance.

I was running all over town buying things and carrying things not really paying too much attention to how I looked.

As I was walking down the street carrying a mop and bucket I couldn’t believe the looks I was getting from the boys, entertwined with very nice compliments (which I graciously thanked for).

Writing it off as a weird twilight zone event (and figuring that my shirt was probably see through) I did not see this as anything important, but in the days to come, as I gallivanted around with weird objects, slightly flustered, the looks and compliments continued.

I spoke with some experienced male flirts to see if I could find any kind of moral from the weekend.

Turns out there totally was!

My interviewed experts said that, while they’ll totally oogle a super dressed up girl with sky high heels and mega cleavage, they are much more likely to chat up a girl who is a little bit of a mess, yet still looks totally cute. She seems much more approachable and easy going, and if she is carrying around weird things, you can tell that she doesn’t take herself too seriously and is less likely to be high maintenance.

Please see below a list of suggested objects, which can be used to get attention:

1. Totally awesome made in Germany vintage city bike. If there is a basket on it strap size inappropriate things to the basket (giant bags of ice, flowers, a painting, baguette- so obvious yet it totally works).

2. A Playstation. My amazing male friend DS said that his fiancee told him when she came back from Future Shop with a Playstation 3, it was like she looked like a pig on a spit and all the men had not eaten in days

3. Vintagey objects such as an old butter box, record players, chairs

4. School or profession related objects such as architectural models, musical instruments.

4. Cleaning accessories (broom, bucket). Totally gives you that whole pin up girl effect.

5. Heavy things such as suitcases or mystery boxes. If the boy offers to help, you’re golden!

Note that dropping things adds to the overall effect and makes you appear extra adorable. Slightly klutzy is totally cute.

What Not To Do:

1. Do not take it overboard and keep dropping things while spilling ice cream on yourself (or whatever). You want to appear just a shade of a mess, not a total train wreck.

2. Do not do these things in super high heels or restrictive attire. This method works best in your fave band t-shirt, short shorts or those bum hugging jeans.

3. Do not overplan. This only works if it is not forced or intentional.

4. Lose the attitude. Even if you got the look perfectly, no one will talk to you if you are still rocking an intense bitch face.

5. Be gracious. If someone compliment you say ‘thank you’. If you are not interested keep walking, but if he is cute be prepared to talk about whatever it is you are carrying. (For more tips on compliments read this)

Have fun!

And never be ashamed about carrying around a mop and a bucket!

If you have been reading this blog for a while you may have noticed that I talk about bums a lot.  Showing them, not showing them, when to flash them, how to dress them and how to use them to your advantage.  One anonymous reader has noted this and asked me what one should do to have a nicely fitted bottom for the upcoming summer season.  Spring has only just arrived and there is still time to get your bottom in perfect upside down heart shape just in time for those shorty shorts and days of lounging by some kind of body of water. 

So here we go, this week’s post is about how to get your ass in shape for summer.  

Step One:

Exercise.  No one can ever convince me that you can arrive to a nice bum without some serious lunges.  Sitting on a chair all day while eating cookies at the office is not helping anyone, but most of us sedentary workers really have no choice.  So after or before work, make sure you give your bum a maintenance session 10-15 minutes a day.  Not a huge commitment, yet a world of benefits.  Personally I dislike crazy contraptions most people use at the gym and prefer to use dumbells and/ or my own body weight to get a work out in.   The following exercises can be done pretty much anywhere, and do not require any equipment. 

1. Squats 3 sets x 12 reps. Knees hip width apart, stick your bum out as far as it will go and sit down in an imaginary chair behind you.  Go down lower than you think you can go and make sure you keep your abs sucked in. 
2. Lunges 3 sets x 12 reps. Personally I am a big fan of jumping lunges, way better burn and way better effects, but if you are a wimp or a beginner, you can do the regular ones, maybe with some weights (or waterbottles).
3. Stairs.  Find a flight and go at it.  Jump 2 stairs at a time for way better results.  Alternatively find a chair or bench and step up on it, alternating legs after 12 reps. This gets you a super nice booty.  Forreals.

I am fairly certain that there is a plethora of other bumcersizes and I encourage you to do any you like.  The ones mentioned above and the bread and butter or butts, and ones I personally implement into my workouts.

Step Two

Maintenance:

I feel like bums often get left out during the cleaning and primping procedures people go thru.  While we put a lot of effort into shaving our legs, moisturizing our faces and ensuring the rest of the body is smooth and covered with some kinda lotion, bums are often just washed and covered up with a pair of undies.  To keep the skin on your bum young and taut, one needs to pay more attention.  Definitely use some kind of a loofah on your bum.  Our booties need additional circulation after being sat on all day, and being squeezed into that pair of skinnies from Uniqlo, and you also want to exfoliate off the dead skin cells.  Use alternating warm and cold water for an even more intense massage.  Afterwards, make sure you moisturize!  When dressing think about what you expose your booty to.  If you are planning to wear jeans, make sure you wear Full underwear and not a thong.  Putting jeans directly on your bum skin is like dressing a baby up in sandpaper.  Protect your bum!!!

I hope this helps and answers your questions, Anonymous.

Additionally to this, please refer back to my old post on booty shorts, as a reminder of appropriate dressing.           http://modernhussy.tumblr.com/day/2010/08/30

Love, the Modern Hussy