modern hussy's etiquette

My favorite weather is here!

Steamy hot over thirty degrees sweat all the time sunshine and shorty shorts weather.

However, instead of waking up at noon followed by coffee followed by tanning on the terasse followed by luring boys into late night whiskey activities as per last summer, this year I get to wake up too early to think and make the depressing trek to the office.
People-judging on my way and at work, I have realized how many women are completely incapable of dressing themselves in this weather.

I thought winter was bad, yet day in and day out I see sweaty, messy, terrible disaster making their morning trek.
Because I am a nice person I will give you some glorious tips on how to make sure you look well pulled together and a poster child for summer cool, professionally.

1. Public transport and heat wave are the worst of all combos. You have to make sure you give yourself am extra ten minutes because as soon as you have to run for one of your connections you’re a sweaty mess and it’s pretty much over.
2. You also have to strategize your outfits to fit both the outside tropical weather and your air conditioned cubicle. Thankfully, I work in fashion, in a pretty young office, so we are not totally buzzkilled with a dress code of lady suits and button downs. Most offices are pretty much the entire Zara collection all the time, and very few of my readers probably wear lady suits. So remember what works: summer dress + cardi= perfect office outfit / remove cardi = après office cool. Most offices are air conditioned to hell so you will want to have a light sweater, which also acts as coverage for dress code inappropriate tops.
3. Remember what’s NOT ok, even if your office is really relaxed.
This morning I saw a bitch wearing pleather short shorts TO WORK. the only way you could maaaaybe remotely pull that off is if you weigh approximately 80 pounds, which she most definitely did not, instead appearing like she strapped a truck tire  tube to her ass. Short shorts + tight tank top are not ok. Dressy shorts (ie must have pockets and a zipper, no rips and not be denim) with a chemise or loose flowing top paired with flat sandals are totally office appropriate on a Friday. Never ever pair your short shorts with stilettos or high heels, because you will look like an Easto hooker.
4. Shoes- your more risky (read- short or revealing) outfits can be mellowed out with the appropriate footwear choice. Flat sandals, driving slippers, ballets, oxfords can all take your look from hoe to summer professional.
5. High heeled sandals were made for this. Wear yours with cuffed pants or even boyfriend jeans and a loose tank or t shirt. Or with a flowing skirt and light sweater.
6. The universal dressing rule applies here: if you are going to he more revealing on top, you cover more on the bottom and vice versa. Example: if you are wearing a boobascular tank top, wear long pants or knee length skirt. If you are going with a shorter skirt or shorts, add a loose tee, or light sweater on top.
7. Things that I have seen at work which are never ok no matter what:
-fluo bandeau top with crochet top over it (are you at the beach? Wtf)
-yoga clothes as work clothes
-anything backless (especially with your bra strap showing… Ughhhhhhhhggh)
-anything too short or too tight. Should he self explanatory. No one needs to see your cervix.
-flip flops- If you dressed up for work, but then put on flip flops, it doesn’t count. Flip flops are only ok for the beach or running out to the corner store to get milk or chilling pool side and not wanting to get foot fungus from the change rooms. Flip flopped feet in the city are filthy and disgusting. Shame!!!! Flat sandals are readily available everywhere and most likely on sale right now. Get some!                                                                                                                   8. Everyone sweats differently. If you are moist as soon as temperatures hit the 20s, wear white or black, and loose items, so that you do not get pit or back stains. I found that going to hot yoga for several years has really helped me with heat management and I can usually yoga breathe myself out of any sweat potential situation!

Follow these simple rules to looking like a million bucks, instead of a slutty sweaty trainwreck

Happy summer

M.H.

Thank gah for the cold spell we are having.

At least bitches are back in shoes that mostly cover their feet.

I had a lot of cringe-y moments during the heat wave 2 weeks ago, seeing girls ‘strut’ in their summer specials.
I wrote you a really good and comprehensive post last summer here to educate you on the etiquette of showing your feet, but seeing how like eight people read this blog clearly the message did not get across.
So please re-read and share part 1  with as many friends as possible before continuing to today’s part 2.
Here are my tips for selecting foot exposing summer sandals:

1. Nobody likes it too high. I lurve being over six feet tall in my amazing Carvelas, but honey, I’ve had years of practice and I still only wear them when I know I’m getting driven door to door or will be drinking (everybody knows that alcohol is like a magical painkiller). There is NOTHING endearing about looking like Bambi on ice and the only dudes you will attract wearing heels so high is predatory dudes. The ones looking for girls who are swaying on their heels due to imbalance and are so drunk they will probably put out just so they can take their uncomfortable shoes off. I challenge you to look at girls who can’t walk in their heels- whether they are the back leaners or look like a trampling Tyrannosaurus Rex - they look awkward and uncomfortable.

2. Find your comfort level. I said it before and I’ll say it again, wear shoes that fit you. Don’t  try to mash your feet into something really slim if you have a wide foot and high arches.  Find the brand that fits you and stick with it, as the models are usually alike.  And for the love of all things good and pure please do NOT buy shoes that are too small for you. There is nothing more heinous than toes hanging over sandals. It looks so terrible. I don’t care if you find Jill Sanders sandals made from gold as freaking baby unicorns at 99% off that you’d give up your first born for,  if they are too small for you, it is time to walk away (or purchase them for a friend with a smaller foot).

3. Other missfit issues: when your baby toe is not contained by the cross strap of your sandal (blargh), and when the straps are too tight on you making your lower calf look like a a stringed sausage.

4. Know when to accept defeat. Some women just aren’t made for wearing heels. There is something off with your feet, you have poor circulation, or you walk weird. That’s just a part of life. Even I can only do a full day in heels (from morning till after dinner) two times a week max and only in my comfiest, reserving the less comfortable ones for short events.  There are plenty of mid-heel or flat options out there that make you look absolutely smashing but do not give you pain.

5. Always start with a gorgeus base. Take good care of your feet! Scrub, pumice, slather in lotions and get regular pedis if you plan to expose them. There is nothing more unappetizing than cracked yellow heels and chipped polish over scraggly nails….ok I seriously just gagged. You don’t want to make people gag, do you?

I realize that people will say that if one feels sexy as fuck I should just let them be. The issue is, when you are wearing uncomfortable shoes you can’t walk in, you don’t feel or look sexy as fuck. All you can think of is how badly you wish you could take your shoes off as your shirt moistens with sweat because you are working so hard just to be able to walk. Feeling sexy has to do with being effortlessly striking- hard to achieve when your shoes are filling up with blood.
So now go get a pedicure, get your new amazing well fitting sandals out of the freezer * and show the world what a cool and confident summer girl you are!

* putting your shoes in the freezer is a trick I have for breaking them in faster. Freeze for 20 min. then wear to mould the leather or suede to your feet.  Only works with non synthetic materials. 

The summer weather is here and that makes me really happy, but girl’s feet are making me cry and gag at the same time.  Read this to ensure you are ready for showing your feet to the world.  

*and yes I am fully aware that I am due for a new post. it’s coming shortly