modern hussy's etiquette

You just broke up with your boyfriend of 7 (8, 9, 11, 4, 2, whatever) years. You think you are ready to get into the love scene, but seeing how you have not been on a real first date in ages, you probably need some help. We (your friends) want you to do well, we really do. While we do really love your quirky self deprecating humour, and love you with all your faults, weirdness and insecurities (hell, we all have ‘em), we know that you can seem overwhelming and mildly insane if you go into a romantico date situation as your normal self.

Let’s get this straight, we are not asking you to change for anyone, and we definitely think you deserve all the best, we just think that you should omit certain aspects of your life on a first date. We want to help you entice your new gentleman (or lady) caller to fall for you head over heels.

A while ago the Modern Hussy posted about revealing too much too soon here ,read that first and then continue to the list of topics to avoid on a first date below:

Topics to Absolutely Avoid on a First Date:

1. Your ovaries, especially any reference to them shriveling

2. Foot conditions especially anything related to fungus

3. The morbid curiosity to try eating human flesh

4. Your Ex

5. How sweaty you are at any time anywhere on your body

6. How many kids you want and the awesome names you have for them

7. How much you love your cat

8. How much your cat loves you

9. The many outfits you put on your cat

10. Name dropping (what are you, a 19 year old dj? No one cares)

11. Sex with other people. (Gross. No matter how erotic/experienced/bendy you think it makes you sound)

12. How horrible every one you have ever dated has been

13. Your IBS, Crohn’s disease, intestinal issues

14. Disease in general

15. Poo, pee or flatulence. (E.g. “Man that burrito is really not sitting well.” Talking about gross stuff is disrespectful, it’s like you’re already letting yourself go before you even start dating.)

16. How hard you had to search for clean underoos to prepare for the date and how you are wearing your ‘date’ bra

17. Diets, calories or “your muffin top.” Buzzzzzzzzzkill.

18. That pending manslaughter charge

19. YOUR EX, the breakup you just had with your ex, how horrible your ex was, how much you miss your ex, oh gah.

20. How you plan to just start fu$%@ing someone rich and become a kept wife as soon as humanly possible

Note that SOMETIMES some of these topics might be acceptable, but the mood has to be right. This is really hard to tell when you are slightly nervous / mildly drunk / don’t really know the other person too well. Which is why it is safer to avoid them.

With all that said, don’t be boring / conventional.

You can still let out some of the quirk, just not all of the quirk.

Be a slightly censored version of yourself.

And if you are in doubt try and mentally reverse roles.*

Would you want to be on a date with yourself?

Are you having fun?

Do you want to go out with yourself again?

*Don’t tell your date you are mentally reversing roles to see if he / she is having a good time. That seems insane.

Have fun dating! MH

Boys, I know that you have gotten scorned in the past. You tried to open a door for a girl, or offered to help a girl carry some packages, and perhaps got schooled about the women’s movement and all that bullshit… I get it. The 90s were tough, and seem to have produced a whole generation of men who cannot make a decision to save their life. I hear about it all the time, dudes who are pining away for their objects of desire yet will not do a single thing about it except for passive aggressive comments on social networking sites, random and non committal sms’s, and offering to ‘hang out’ as opposed to asking a girl out on a date.

The world seems to have changed, but I believe the basics stay the same. Boys like to feel needed, and girls like to be taken care of, no matter what anyone tells you.

It’s a new year… So boys, how about you own up and stop acting like a shadow of a man. How? There is a simple first step. When dealing with a girl who seems successful and selfsufficient, do not be intimidated. Do you know what these kinds of women want, after a day of being the boss?

They just want to be dominated.

And by this I don’t necessarily mean latex and leather and restraining contraptions. Most women just want to be thrown back against a wall…. for the purpose of make out.  They want YOU to take the initiative and show them that YOU want THEM.

So next time you are saying goodbye to a lady friend and the air is tense and you are not sure if you should kiss her or shake her hand or just stutter ‘gbye’ and run out…. throw her back against the wall (in a forceful but nonviolent way) and go to town. Take INITIATIVE! It’ll work three out of four times, and she will think you are awesome.*

*three out of four times, you will at least get some play. One out of four times, you will get slapped. Totally worth it!