Everybody likes sex.
Hell, a great part of human interaction lies in trying to score.
We go out looking for sex, and when we find someone who we like to bang repeatedly ( and who makes us happy ) we try to keep them around.
In a relationship sex is a key element that determines the lifespan of a couple. If you listen to Dan Savage as much as I do, you know that the problem that comes up over and over for couples is the amount of sex they are having. Their libidos might not match, or one person might prefer it in the morning while the other one in the middle of the night, unexpected illness or stress might be getting in the way of getting laid. Either way, the problem always lies in the amount of sex a couple is having.
When you first fall in lust, it’s easy.
Life is about blowjobs and cupcakes, all daily tasks go on the back burner while spending most of your time with your clothes off is a priority.
And then a couple of years pass by, and then suddenly you are living together, and then your job is stressful, and then you are working long hours. You get home from your crap job and all you want to do is bitch about it to your partner. You are also starving. You prepare dinner and scarf if down, do some laundry, you watch a show together, doze off, wake up in the morning and do it all over again.
It’s a bleak bleak existence.
But it doesn’t have to be.
Here are some tips on how bring the sexy back into your relationship and get on the same page about the amount of jiggy you are having
1. Communication- if the sex in your relationship isn’t enough, you have to tell your partner. If you are nuzzling and pawing at your partner without results, you might have a problem. The worst mistake couples can make is not express their needs verbally. Once the other party knows this, it is up to him or her to put effort into it.
2. Rejection hurts- if you are the one being pawed at, but aren’t in the mood for whatever reason, remember that getting rejected can be very bad for your partner’s ego. Make sure you let your partner down gently, be affectionate, nice and clear.
Also, if YOU really aren’t in the mood there still relatively simple ways for you to get your partner off. All you need is ten minutes and some enthusiasm. So instead of making up excuses on why you don’t want to get jiggy focus on your partner’s needs.
3. Is timing an issue? Is being ravenous when you get home the reason why you don’t want sex? And after dinner, are you too full / tired to move? Here is a simple solution. Have a snack (apples and peanut butter, crackers and cheese, a small salad) and proceed to enjoy your sexy snack while the rice cooks for the main dish. Remember that sometimes a quicky hits the right spot.
May I also suggest a surprise morning session? All it takes is prepping your clothes and packing your lunch the night before!
4. Are you doing it right? Shoving your partner’s hand down your pants or removing your pants while pointing to crotch doesn’t work everytime. Sometimes your partner wants to be wooed. Kiss him/ her in the right places, and entice him/ her seductively.
Never stop sexting! Never stop flirting ( with your partner)! Never stop looking good for him/ her!
Everybody wants to be gotten, and everyone wants to feel wanted.
5. Challenge yourself. You’d be surprised how often you can get ‘in the mood’ even when you don’t think you are. Give yourself a challenge to make out and see if you suddenly feel up to it.
6. Make time- in a long term relationship, life gets in the way and sharing your life with someone can be tricky. Make a conscious effort to schedule (horrible way to describe it) sexytimes into your life. It’s ok if you skip that spinning class, or are a little bit late for drinks with friends. Watch less tv and do less facebooking. It’s totally worth it.
7. Be spontaneous. Twenty minutes before bed, missionary with the lights dimmed agaaaaain?? Boooooooring. Why don’t you explore your house on an exciting sexdventure- do it on the couch, the kitchen floor or in the shower. Bring new positions and / or toys into the game. Role play, use ice cream, tie him/ her up, whatever!
Remember that yours and your lover’s sexual needs can change over time, make sure you are always evolving to meet each other’s desires!
Routine is the devil here, people!
8. Schedule in a proper session. Over time it is easy for your sexlife to be made up of the go-to positions. You might still be having a ‘healthy’ number of sessions (4-5times per week), but if you are merely jerking yourself off using your partner it doesn’t really count. Take a night off or block off Saturday afternoon and spend it on a glorious time consuming multiple orgasm session. Take your time and have fun with your lover! I would say that quality counts over quantity.
There is a special kind of intimate closeness within a couple that has a great sex life. Matching libidos and attraction to one another sure helps, but remember that over time a healthy jiggy life takes time and work. It doesn’t just happen magically! It can, however be magic.
There are also cases where depression, illness, or stress can affect your lover’s libido. During such a time, you need to be emotionally supportive for your partner, while you sexually support yourself. This can be frustrating especially if your partner’s state is indefinite. You might want to consider a conversation where you discuss the expectations and rules for yourselves.
Sexual compatibility is REALLY important in a relationship.
Sexual satisfaction takes practice, so take your pants off and start practicing!
Sexytimes from the Modern Hussy
It’s that time of year again. Stores become red with heart shaped things, restaurants advertise their romantico dinners and lovers of all ages start panicking wondering how to make this year’s V-day special.
If you are like me, and roll your eyes at forced romance, overpriced flowers and the fact you can’t get a reservation anywhere from Feb. 10th on, you might be tempted to skip celebrating Valentine’s altogether.
Love and romance should be unexpected, while flowers and chocolates are so much more appreciated when they come on a random Tuesday when your boss made your day hell (and might I add cost a third of the ones on V-day).
On that note, ignoring the holiday completely can be a little depressing for your relationship, so I encourage all people currently taken to make an effort and surprise your lover with an original Valentine’s day that doesn’t feed this commercial beast.
So plan for V-day to be a day of not just love, but LOVING!
How about you indulge in a jiggy fest hotter than Lake Bell + Kid Cuddy in ‘How to make it in America’?
For the Modern Hussy, V-day has never been about buying serious gifts; fun and naughty things are much more appreciated as long as they are thoughtful and original.
Here are some of Modern Hussy’s ideas for a romantico celebration.
1. Make a mix tape of ridiculously sexy music. Light some candles, play sexy mix and seduce your significant other (dancing optional). Some musical suggestions include ‘$^#% my Brains out’ by Dream, ‘I’m #%$&% you tonight’ by Biggie Smalls, pretty much anything by Sade, Roberta Flack, or any other song that signifies your love.
2. If you opt for an evening of sex at home, remember that you will need nourishment to keep you going. Select sensual foods to feed / share with your lover. Keep it simple! I know that oysters are a supposed aphrodisiac, but, unless you are a professional, getting shell in the eye while shucking is NOT sexy. Some good ingredient choices are strawberries, chocolate, mangoes, cherries, almonds (apparently sexually arousing for females), avocadoes, basil, fresh figs… pair with well-priced champagne of course! Try to avoid anything with beans, mayo or too much spice.
3. You might want to cook (or take) your lover (to) a special dinner. This is a wonderful idea, but I’d suggest fucking first, THEN eating! As my favorite podcaster Dan Savage has mentioned, people can’t expect stellar performance in bed, after having consumed a five course-tasting menu of heavy cheeses, French cuisine, wine etc. Fuck first, people!!!
4. Take a funny spin on the occasion and dress up in your fanciest clothes, then go get fast food followed by a trip to your sketchy neighbourhood strip bar. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like watching naked girls pole dancing to Bel Biv Devoe.
5. This is the perfect time to surprise your lover with a new position, an extra long session of something he or she highly enjoys, or something freaky you have both been DYING to try out! As mentioned in previous blog entries, ensure that your acrobatic abilities can handle it. Don’t get too ambitious.
6. How about doing something extra special, naughty and totally unexpected? Here are some suggestions:
-henna tattooing your lover’s name on your butt. You will probably need a trusted friend to help you out w that one, and I suggest you get the stuff in the tube as it is easier to write with.
-wearing something sheer and slinky and giving your lover a pair of scissors in wrapping paper (that you don’t mind ruined).
-shaving your pubic hair into a heart or your lover’s initials (note: this one works extra well if you are a dude)
-roleplaying a typical fantasy such as schoolgirl, playboy bunny (note: difficult to get bunny ears this time of year), hot secretary, etc.
I hope that this gives you some ideas for a non-conventional Valentine’s day!