modern hussy's etiquette

Thank gah for the cold spell we are having.

At least bitches are back in shoes that mostly cover their feet.

I had a lot of cringe-y moments during the heat wave 2 weeks ago, seeing girls ‘strut’ in their summer specials.
I wrote you a really good and comprehensive post last summer here to educate you on the etiquette of showing your feet, but seeing how like eight people read this blog clearly the message did not get across.
So please re-read and share part 1  with as many friends as possible before continuing to today’s part 2.
Here are my tips for selecting foot exposing summer sandals:

1. Nobody likes it too high. I lurve being over six feet tall in my amazing Carvelas, but honey, I’ve had years of practice and I still only wear them when I know I’m getting driven door to door or will be drinking (everybody knows that alcohol is like a magical painkiller). There is NOTHING endearing about looking like Bambi on ice and the only dudes you will attract wearing heels so high is predatory dudes. The ones looking for girls who are swaying on their heels due to imbalance and are so drunk they will probably put out just so they can take their uncomfortable shoes off. I challenge you to look at girls who can’t walk in their heels- whether they are the back leaners or look like a trampling Tyrannosaurus Rex - they look awkward and uncomfortable.

2. Find your comfort level. I said it before and I’ll say it again, wear shoes that fit you. Don’t  try to mash your feet into something really slim if you have a wide foot and high arches.  Find the brand that fits you and stick with it, as the models are usually alike.  And for the love of all things good and pure please do NOT buy shoes that are too small for you. There is nothing more heinous than toes hanging over sandals. It looks so terrible. I don’t care if you find Jill Sanders sandals made from gold as freaking baby unicorns at 99% off that you’d give up your first born for,  if they are too small for you, it is time to walk away (or purchase them for a friend with a smaller foot).

3. Other missfit issues: when your baby toe is not contained by the cross strap of your sandal (blargh), and when the straps are too tight on you making your lower calf look like a a stringed sausage.

4. Know when to accept defeat. Some women just aren’t made for wearing heels. There is something off with your feet, you have poor circulation, or you walk weird. That’s just a part of life. Even I can only do a full day in heels (from morning till after dinner) two times a week max and only in my comfiest, reserving the less comfortable ones for short events.  There are plenty of mid-heel or flat options out there that make you look absolutely smashing but do not give you pain.

5. Always start with a gorgeus base. Take good care of your feet! Scrub, pumice, slather in lotions and get regular pedis if you plan to expose them. There is nothing more unappetizing than cracked yellow heels and chipped polish over scraggly nails….ok I seriously just gagged. You don’t want to make people gag, do you?

I realize that people will say that if one feels sexy as fuck I should just let them be. The issue is, when you are wearing uncomfortable shoes you can’t walk in, you don’t feel or look sexy as fuck. All you can think of is how badly you wish you could take your shoes off as your shirt moistens with sweat because you are working so hard just to be able to walk. Feeling sexy has to do with being effortlessly striking- hard to achieve when your shoes are filling up with blood.
So now go get a pedicure, get your new amazing well fitting sandals out of the freezer * and show the world what a cool and confident summer girl you are!

* putting your shoes in the freezer is a trick I have for breaking them in faster. Freeze for 20 min. then wear to mould the leather or suede to your feet.  Only works with non synthetic materials. 

A few years ago I decided that I would go through life having the most fun ever. A most difficult quest for a highly emotional individual who thrives at wallowing in self pity and despair.

Warning: this kind of attitude will attract people towards you and cause you to have many friends. People like being around people who bring party and laughter everywhere they go. People are less inclined towards those who are always negative, tired and complain about everything going badly in life.

Whether you are doing it because you just got dumped or because you want to switch it up, here are some key tips on most-fun-ever-having.

1. -Get some highly inspirational friends. I have a few people around me who during a meetup make me feel like I can take over the world. These people are usually in the creative field, they often work from home, they are highly intelligent, they are always full of ‘ideas’ and often convince you to try new things. These people are total keepers, and have quickly made their way into my inner circle.
2. -You have to make the following rule with yourself: you are not allowed to say ‘no’ to any activity anyone proposes- unless it is illegal or dangerous. Please note that this does not require drinking, in fact it is better if it doesn’t. But it often does and that’s also ok.  Having this rule means that you might have to go out on nights when you really just wanted to stay home and wallow in self pity, or that you might have to attend events you never had any interest in with people you didn’t think you’d find interesting. You’d be surprised at who you can meet and what kind of fun you can have while you are attending a lecture on basket weaving, having dinner with vegan lesbians, practicing dance routines from Shakira videos, or learning how to play the theremin.  The other upside to this is that you become a well rounded individual filled with knowledge other people might not possess.  When attending said events try to go by yourself or be invited by a ‘new friend’ you do not know so well.  Going with a friend means that you will spend the night talking to the only person you know.  For this to work, you have to get out of your comfort zone
3. -To add to above point, note that sometimes you will end up at a super lame activity.  For those who have the most fun ever- we know how to make the most out of anything, so try and find something about said activity that amuses you. Be excited about what you are doing! ‘Being excited’ is the new ‘being over it’.  
4. -I have given this advice before but I feel it is important: if anyone says ‘illegal pool party’ or ‘full moon party on a rooftop’ you do not ask questions you just go.
5. -Sleep. All these outings and activities can tire you out. Make sure you section time off for sleep. Lack of sleep = grumpiness. So rest up!
6. -Be active. Parties, late nights, eating foie gras injected hamburgers and champagne can take a toll on your energy levels and your figure. Make sure you stay healthy, active and spend a portion of everyday outdoors.
7. - Be aware of what people think, but don’t let it affect you. I will warn you that having the most fun ever will result in people judging you and labeling you a party slut - even if you were only high on life when you danced on that table on a Tuesday night and have gone to bed alone for the last four months. I like to live by the words of Samantha on Sex and the City: ‘if I cared about what every bitch in town said about me, I would never leave the house.’
8. - Know who your friends are. People like spending time with purveyors of fun, but make sure you differentiate between your party friends and your inner circle. Your besties should be the ones to ground you if you start getting out of control.
9. -Don’t get out of control! Note that having the most fun ever does not mean drinking champagne for breakfast (everyday). There IS a huge difference between being a fun loving awesome individual and a drunk party slut. The line gets often blurred.  Balance boozy activities with non boozy ones.
10. -Invest in some super hot yet comfortable heels. How else are you going to be doing this amount of running from event to event if your feet are bleeding inside of your shoes? And let’s face it, you can’t crash a chi chi party in your high tops everytime.
11. -Treat yourself! You will feel happier and super fab if you do things that are super fab. Book a massage at a fancy spa, have a glass of champagne on a gorg rooftop patio, buy one pair of amazing shoes as opposed to five pairs of low end ones.

Please be warned that having the most fun ever will result in fun!!!

Enjoy

M.H.