Thank gah for the cold spell we are having.
At least bitches are back in shoes that mostly cover their feet.
I had a lot of cringe-y moments during the heat wave 2 weeks ago, seeing girls ‘strut’ in their summer specials.
I wrote you a really good and comprehensive post last summer here to educate you on the etiquette of showing your feet, but seeing how like eight people read this blog clearly the message did not get across.
So please re-read and share part 1 with as many friends as possible before continuing to today’s part 2.
Here are my tips for selecting foot exposing summer sandals:
1. Nobody likes it too high. I lurve being over six feet tall in my amazing Carvelas, but honey, I’ve had years of practice and I still only wear them when I know I’m getting driven door to door or will be drinking (everybody knows that alcohol is like a magical painkiller). There is NOTHING endearing about looking like Bambi on ice and the only dudes you will attract wearing heels so high is predatory dudes. The ones looking for girls who are swaying on their heels due to imbalance and are so drunk they will probably put out just so they can take their uncomfortable shoes off. I challenge you to look at girls who can’t walk in their heels- whether they are the back leaners or look like a trampling Tyrannosaurus Rex - they look awkward and uncomfortable.
2. Find your comfort level. I said it before and I’ll say it again, wear shoes that fit you. Don’t try to mash your feet into something really slim if you have a wide foot and high arches. Find the brand that fits you and stick with it, as the models are usually alike. And for the love of all things good and pure please do NOT buy shoes that are too small for you. There is nothing more heinous than toes hanging over sandals. It looks so terrible. I don’t care if you find Jill Sanders sandals made from gold as freaking baby unicorns at 99% off that you’d give up your first born for, if they are too small for you, it is time to walk away (or purchase them for a friend with a smaller foot).
3. Other missfit issues: when your baby toe is not contained by the cross strap of your sandal (blargh), and when the straps are too tight on you making your lower calf look like a a stringed sausage.
4. Know when to accept defeat. Some women just aren’t made for wearing heels. There is something off with your feet, you have poor circulation, or you walk weird. That’s just a part of life. Even I can only do a full day in heels (from morning till after dinner) two times a week max and only in my comfiest, reserving the less comfortable ones for short events. There are plenty of mid-heel or flat options out there that make you look absolutely smashing but do not give you pain.
5. Always start with a gorgeus base. Take good care of your feet! Scrub, pumice, slather in lotions and get regular pedis if you plan to expose them. There is nothing more unappetizing than cracked yellow heels and chipped polish over scraggly nails….ok I seriously just gagged. You don’t want to make people gag, do you?
I realize that people will say that if one feels sexy as fuck I should just let them be. The issue is, when you are wearing uncomfortable shoes you can’t walk in, you don’t feel or look sexy as fuck. All you can think of is how badly you wish you could take your shoes off as your shirt moistens with sweat because you are working so hard just to be able to walk. Feeling sexy has to do with being effortlessly striking- hard to achieve when your shoes are filling up with blood.
So now go get a pedicure, get your new amazing well fitting sandals out of the freezer * and show the world what a cool and confident summer girl you are!
* putting your shoes in the freezer is a trick I have for breaking them in faster. Freeze for 20 min. then wear to mould the leather or suede to your feet. Only works with non synthetic materials.
I still have my feet on the ground, I just wear better shoes. (Oprah, yes, really)
I have a GRAVE and EXTREMELY serious topic this schaiße weather Monday. This is something I do NOT eff around with: FEET.
Yes, readers, I know that the summer is pretty much officially over for most of you, however I want to engrave this topic into all your pretty heads, and have you spread the word, so that, when next summer comes, I do not have to witness such disgusting atrocity as summer past. Ugly calloused, yellowed cracked heels, piles of old skin, chipped polish, overly long toe nails…. Need I go on? Please don’t make me as I am getting gaggy already. I hate other people’s feet, I really do. Heck, I have made a career out of covering them up, that is how much I do not wish for them to see the light of day.
My very wise friend C once announced that she thinks pedicures should be mandatory like dental checkups, and I couldn’t agree more. Leaving that much dead skin on any part of your body can’t be good for you… we are looking at foot fungus, infected blisters, in grown toenails, and the yellowed cracking….? Uuughghghghghghg. While no one expects you to run to the foot spa every other week (I do get monthly pedis, and my foot hygiene is impeccable based on the previously mentioned foot hatred… I can only stand mine if they are in gorgeus shape), but a self pedicure every month is highly encouraged, and a professional one should be done AT THE VERY LEAST at the start of sandal season and at the end.
If you do not have the time or desire to make a whole ritual of it, it would not hurt to pumice those heels every other day at the end of your shower, when the dead skin cells have loosened up. It is kind of like flossing, just do a bit every day to avoid major disasters later on. I would invest in a decent foot cream and moisturize those babies in the evening before you go to bed. Just these two small contributions will make you look a million times better. Really. As for the toes, try to avoid aggressive polishes (or only keep them on for a week max), this is to ensure that you do not end up with chipped old looking crimson toes. It makes you look sloppy, no matter if you read in Nylon that chipped polish is in… sloppiness is NEVER in. (One should not listen to advice from Peaches Geldof)
Finally, once again, make sure your shoes fit well. The better the fit, the less likely your feet will get damaged. PLEASE MAKE SURE, and this applies to a lot of seemingly attractive women, that your sandals are not too small for you. When your toes hang over the front of your platforms making your feet look like claws, you need bigger shoes, you look ridiculous, and I don’t care if they are Dolce and you got them at 50% off.
Boys, your feet are also important. Get a pedi once in a while. They feel nice and will make your football shoes hurt less. I have several very manly friends who I have talked into pedicures and they absolutely loved them. I mean, foot massage by young pretty girl? Hello!!!
I keep my feet in great shape year round, because you never know when you might be trying on stilettos, summer OR winter. And you want to do it without shame. Additionally, pretty feet makes boys want to buy me shoes, it’s a win win for all parties involved.