modern hussy's etiquette

So you got the girl.

You’re in a serious monogamous relationship or perhaps even LIVE together. Oooooer.

So now you can relax and unbutton the top of your pants, right?

WRONG!

Dudes, I am here to tell you just how to keep your woman happy even after you have successfully settled down.

Likely, there are various misconceptions about what a lady needs from you and many of you likely write it off as ‘bitching + nagging’.  Thing is, women are vocal (giggle) and they will let you know what they need, you just gotta listen. In case you are incapable of this, I am here to give you a quick play by play of what your girl wants (kinda like a lady-into-dude translator) and what you should be doing to ensure your relationship grows into awesomeness (aka that you keep getting laid)

1. She wants to crush on you. This means that you can’t give up on the physical activity routine that you had in your single days. You got to maintain your body, dude. Do you think she enjoys all those yoga, Zumba and kickboxing classes she skips off to every other day?

NO. That shit’s painful.

She is trying to keep her booty tight for you, as you should do the same. Pushups, sit ups, squats are really just the bare minimum (and take about fifteen minutes out of your day, boys), If you are a real man you will also get into some kinda cardio, running, team sports, swimming, whichever one makes you happy. No one wants to fuck a flabby slob with no stamina. Everyone wants to gaze over across the bar at the fine specimen of male and be all like ‘Yeah, I’m hitting that’.

2. She wants to dress up. Remember when you used to take her places that required actual pants? Just because you’re all coupley now doesn’t mean that she will find dinners + movies at home in tracky pants acceptable. Really, it’s cute that you want to make lasagna (and it’s also delicious) but once in a while you gotta tell her ‘put your big girl shoes on’ and take her somewhere where the entrees are in another language and contain duck liver. Also, you too gotta maintain your style. The ripped up, stained wife beater with a lobster on it which you have had since 1993 is comfortable I’m sure, but it doesn’t make her want to fuck you. Have pants that aren’t jeans, shoes that aren’t sneakers and shirts with buttons that don’t have your fave DC comic character on them. Dress like a grown ass man, not a 15 yr old scenester. (Note, you can have those other things too, just not every single day)

2b. She wants to go out. Whether it’s dancing or a nice cocktail on a rooftop, she likely wants to do stuff with you that feels fancy or special, and is fun. An ex once told me ‘Why would we go dancing? We already ‘got’ eachother. You go dancing to hook up.’ Sigh . Clearly I should have taken that as an early warning sign of future disaster.

3. She wants flowers. Not just on v-day or her birthday. Flowers are best when she is having a bad day at work or for no reason at all. You don’t have to spend a fortune either. A ten dollar bunch of tulips is just as appreciated as a fifty dollar arrangement. If you get her flowers, she will likely want to get jiggy. Or at least give you an hj.

4. She wants you to be financially responsible. Not everyone landed a six figure job après graduation and not all girls are after dudes with money. But if you can’t afford rent or paying the repairs on the dryer, girl’s red flags will pop up thinking that you aren’t a suitable long-term partner. Get a savings account. Put 10% of your paycheque in it, no matter what. You’ll be surprised at how fast it adds up and how little you miss it. If you are in your thirties and still making minimum wage, you might consider a career change. Take a class, get a second job, learn how to hustle.

5. Fix shit. She wants you around for fixing things when things are broken. I know, it’s the era of only doing things virtually, and being sensitive and emo. But she wants you to take care of things like her daddy did. So learn how to use a drill, rewire things when things need rewiring and chop down a damn tree when required. Don’t worry, you can find ‘how to’ videos on the interwebs.

6. Don’t fart. I know it’s hard and makes you bloated, but having a constant air of methane around you is not sexy.  Go to the other side of the flat, go out on the balcony, go to the toilet. It’s a courtesy you owe her, because she is holding back farts too. On that note, don’t be crass talking about the giant poop you took earlier.  Girls don’t like that, and there are some things that should remain private.  The more you fart, the less likely she will be in the mood.      

Girls, I know that your man likely does not read this blog. Print it out and casually leave it on the counter, by the cereal box.  He will likely get the point. 

Wishing you an awesome and longterm relationship (with loads of jiggy).

luv M.H.

This weekend the Modern Hussy did some heavy house work in a heat wave, which pretty much resulted in a uniform of short shorts and high tops, and a slightly disheveled overall appearance.

I was running all over town buying things and carrying things not really paying too much attention to how I looked.

As I was walking down the street carrying a mop and bucket I couldn’t believe the looks I was getting from the boys, entertwined with very nice compliments (which I graciously thanked for).

Writing it off as a weird twilight zone event (and figuring that my shirt was probably see through) I did not see this as anything important, but in the days to come, as I gallivanted around with weird objects, slightly flustered, the looks and compliments continued.

I spoke with some experienced male flirts to see if I could find any kind of moral from the weekend.

Turns out there totally was!

My interviewed experts said that, while they’ll totally oogle a super dressed up girl with sky high heels and mega cleavage, they are much more likely to chat up a girl who is a little bit of a mess, yet still looks totally cute. She seems much more approachable and easy going, and if she is carrying around weird things, you can tell that she doesn’t take herself too seriously and is less likely to be high maintenance.

Please see below a list of suggested objects, which can be used to get attention:

1. Totally awesome made in Germany vintage city bike. If there is a basket on it strap size inappropriate things to the basket (giant bags of ice, flowers, a painting, baguette- so obvious yet it totally works).

2. A Playstation. My amazing male friend DS said that his fiancee told him when she came back from Future Shop with a Playstation 3, it was like she looked like a pig on a spit and all the men had not eaten in days

3. Vintagey objects such as an old butter box, record players, chairs

4. School or profession related objects such as architectural models, musical instruments.

4. Cleaning accessories (broom, bucket). Totally gives you that whole pin up girl effect.

5. Heavy things such as suitcases or mystery boxes. If the boy offers to help, you’re golden!

Note that dropping things adds to the overall effect and makes you appear extra adorable. Slightly klutzy is totally cute.

What Not To Do:

1. Do not take it overboard and keep dropping things while spilling ice cream on yourself (or whatever). You want to appear just a shade of a mess, not a total train wreck.

2. Do not do these things in super high heels or restrictive attire. This method works best in your fave band t-shirt, short shorts or those bum hugging jeans.

3. Do not overplan. This only works if it is not forced or intentional.

4. Lose the attitude. Even if you got the look perfectly, no one will talk to you if you are still rocking an intense bitch face.

5. Be gracious. If someone compliment you say ‘thank you’. If you are not interested keep walking, but if he is cute be prepared to talk about whatever it is you are carrying. (For more tips on compliments read this)

Have fun!

And never be ashamed about carrying around a mop and a bucket!