modern hussy's etiquette

Ladies, it may be the scorching summer weather, a new adventurous lover, the tiniest bikini, or simply sheer curiosity of what is it like, that has you contemplating hair removal to the next level- the Brazilian.

The Modern Hussy is here to answer your strangest questions and to clarify what exactly happens when you decide to go bald.

Pre prep- Please note that this procedure is fucking painful.

Even those with the highest pain threshold should prepare for excrutiating discomfort. If you are really worried take a couple of painkillers before going. Or a shot of vodka to numb your senses, whatever. Also, don’t go around your moon time because it hurts more. Also, being hungry or tired makes it hurt more too.

Don’t talk about it to other people. All your grooming business is private. ladies at work are all, ‘Excuse me, I’ll brb, I’m getting waxed, wink!” ugh.

Step 1- Find an esthetician.

Similar to finding a lover you like or a friend you can tell all your secrets to, finding a wax esthetician you like is very important. I just broke up with mine because she talked too damn much. No, I don’t want you to pause every minute to discuss the state of student strikes or how well you and your boyfriend get along while my legs are up over my head and you are ripping at my most sensitive areas.  With that said, you want them to talk a little to break the awkwardness of ‘my vagina is staring you right in the face’.  Some estheticians talk to ease the tension and distract you from the excruciating pain, and while that is definitely appreciated, you also want the procedure to go as fast as possible and not be prolonged by talking about your view of spirituality.

Step 2- Hygiene .

Make sure that the salon is clean. The esthetician should wear gloves, all the equipment should be sterilized and the place should be clean. This is where you do not skimp on the money. Go to a nice spa, I believe that it is worth to go high end for your flower.

Step 3- Your hygiene.

Be clean. You wouldn’t go to the dentist without brushing your teeth, would you? Well, this is the same thing. Wash up before your appointment.  Many salons leave baby wipes in the room for you, but don’t be shy to ask to go to the loo to freshen up. If you like to be really prepared, carry your own pack of wipes. Wear cotton underoos the day of.

Step 4- Get naked. Yes, this will involve a strange woman getting very close and personal with your lady parts. Some salons leave you a paper thong to wear, but don’t kid yourself, there ain’t no place to hide your shame. If you’re uptight about this, you’re probably too square for a Brazilian.

Step 5- The procedure.

This is gonna hurt.  It doesn’t get any better for the next twenty minutes so be prepared to endure the pain. If it is beyond what you can handle, ask to take a break. If you have an experienced esthetician it will go fast, and you’ll be out of there in no time. Note that your esthetician will ask you whether you want to go complete or leave anything on your lady parts. This is totally up to you. Don’t do anything you are uncomfortable with.

Step 6- after the ordeal get dressed, take a moment to pull yourself together and go to pay. Note that it is customary to tip your esthetician. 10% is a polite minimum.

Après notes- No one tells you this, but the first few times you go to the bathroom after your Brazilian you will likely pee all over yourself. It’s true.

Don’t forget to use a light moisturizer on your lady bits.

GENTLE exfoliation minimizes the risk of ingrown hairs.

Things we don’t like- the MANzillian. Come on, a dude with super smooth balls? That’s just weird.

Enjoy!

Hi readers, I apologize for the slight tardiness of this entry, however I was once again away from all things technology this weekend.  The Modern Hussy luuuuuurves nature. However, I have a good one for you this week:

On Setting your friend up on a blind date

 ’Personally i think if a woman hasn’t met the right man by the time she’s 24, she may be lucky’ Deborah Kerr

Everybody knows that you don’t fall in love because it makes sense.  Hell, I usually fall for people bc of the way they smoke a cigarette, because they are really really really into Wutang or because they know Flash.  But it all comes down to chemistry, and one cannot calculate a connection between two individuals. 

The Modern Hussy’s singlelosity is often met with concern by friends.  In the last few years I have heard ‘I have found your perfect husband!’ shrieked at me via the telephone several times.  At the beginning, I was excited.  However, after a few of these ‘set ups’ I realized that if someone says ‘I have found your perfect husband!’ you should hang up on them immediately.  Setting someone up in a romantic fashion is a strange phenomenon.  One time, friends of mine decided that I was just absolutely meant to be with Bachelor#1 because he liked sneakers (which I am into) and because he was from 250km of my hometown, clearly both facts totally determine compatibility.  After weeks of being told everything about his wonderfulness and how we will make the most amazing of couples I met the man… I am pretty sure that he was much more into boys than girls, and needless to say it did not work out between us. 

Bachelor#2 had a great career, same background as me and apparently we were going to be absolutely perfect for one another.  Fearing that this might be uncomfortable, I asked my friend to make it seem like a fun outing with several friends, not just me and the man in question.  The friend proceeded to set up a sham of a wine party, to which she invited a few guests.  In theory this cover up could have worked, however she had told the guy just as much about me as me about him (there was also extensive facebook stalking involved on both ends).  By the time we were both at the party, we talked to EVERYONE except for one another. Eventually when I had consumed enough wine, we were finally face to face and it was the most awkward situation…. I should mention that whenever I feel awkward I just turn into the biggest asshole, so I proceeded to talk like a snooty know it all.  Yet another failed attempt, as we had both had our hopes skyrocketed by overly excited friends. 

Being set up is really strange experience.  Sometimes when you see the person you can’t help but wonder just how much your friends know about you if they think you should be with THAT GUY (or girl).  Sometimes friend’s reasoning is ‘wow, Jason is really wonderful, I wish I could date him but… I’m married, maybe one of my friends can have him!’.  I think it is hard for friends to be able to gauge who we can date because friends are not trying to get into our pants.  They don’t usually see us sexually, therefore they cannot calculate the chemical attraction we feel towards another person. And without sexual attraction… you are just better off friends.  Don’t get me wrong, meeting potential partners via friends in common is a perfectly awesome way of finding true love.  It is the way friends go about it that is usually off.  So please see some ground rules on what to do if you think that your bestie and your husband’s bestie could be an item.

1. Do NOT tell either party about your plan
2. Organize a group outing, which is not of the date like variety, where two individuals can meet (bowling, art opening, housewarming, non intimidating events)
3. A little booze to loosen up is not a bad idea
4. Watch from afar 

If you have chemistry with someone, no one needs to tell you that.