modern hussy's etiquette

great Firewall of China

Tue, 07 May 2013 06:04:41 -0600

hi Kittens!

Just letting you know that I am about to enter the great firewall of China and will not be able to post for the next few weeks. I am not forgetting about you, I just can’t access Tumblr.

M.H.

Keep on Hussyin’

On Getting Jiggy

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 16:45:15 -0600

Everybody likes sex.
Hell, a great part of human interaction lies in trying to score.
We go out looking for sex, and when we find someone who we like to bang repeatedly ( and who makes us happy ) we try to keep them around.
In a relationship sex is a key element that determines the lifespan of a couple. If you listen to Dan Savage as much as I do, you know that the problem that comes up over and over for couples is the amount of sex they are having. Their libidos might not match, or one person might prefer it in the morning while the other one in the middle of the night, unexpected illness or stress might be getting in the way of getting laid. Either way, the problem always lies in the amount of sex a couple is having.
When you first fall in lust, it’s easy.
Life is about blowjobs and cupcakes, all daily tasks go on the back burner while spending most of your time with your clothes off is a priority.
And then a couple of years pass by, and then suddenly you are living together, and then your job is stressful, and then you are working long hours. You get home from your crap job and all you want to do is bitch about it to your partner. You are also starving. You prepare dinner and scarf if down, do some laundry, you watch a show together, doze off, wake up in the morning and do it all over again.
It’s a bleak bleak existence.
But it doesn’t have to be.
Here are some tips on how bring the sexy back into your relationship and get on the same page about the amount of jiggy you are having

1. Communication- if the sex in your relationship isn’t enough, you have to tell your partner. If you are nuzzling and pawing at your partner without results, you might have a problem. The worst mistake couples can make is not express their needs verbally. Once the other party knows this, it is up to him or her to put effort into it.

2. Rejection hurts- if you are the one being pawed at, but aren’t in the mood for whatever reason, remember that getting rejected can be very bad for your partner’s ego. Make sure you let your partner down gently, be affectionate, nice and clear.
Also, if YOU really aren’t in the mood there still relatively simple ways for you to get your partner off. All you need is ten minutes and some enthusiasm. So instead of making up excuses on why you don’t want to get jiggy focus on your partner’s needs.
Everybody wins.

3. Is timing an issue? Is being ravenous when you get home the reason why you don’t want sex? And after dinner, are you too full / tired to move? Here is a simple solution. Have a snack (apples and peanut butter, crackers and cheese, a small salad) and proceed to enjoy your sexy snack while the rice cooks for the main dish. Remember that sometimes a quicky hits the right spot.
May I also suggest a surprise morning session? All it takes is prepping your clothes and packing your lunch the night before!

4. Are you doing it right? Shoving your partner’s hand down your pants or removing your pants while pointing to crotch doesn’t work everytime. Sometimes your partner wants to be wooed. Kiss him/ her in the right places, and entice him/ her seductively.
Never stop sexting! Never stop flirting ( with your partner)! Never stop looking good for him/ her!
Everybody wants to be gotten, and everyone wants to feel wanted.

5. Challenge yourself. You’d be surprised how often you can get ‘in the mood’ even when you don’t think you are. Give yourself a challenge to make out and see if you suddenly feel up to it.

6. Make time- in a long term relationship, life gets in the way and sharing your life with someone can be tricky. Make a conscious effort to schedule (horrible way to describe it) sexytimes into your life. It’s ok if you skip that spinning class, or are a little bit late for drinks with friends. Watch less tv and do less facebooking. It’s totally worth it.

7. Be spontaneous. Twenty minutes before bed, missionary with the lights dimmed agaaaaain?? Boooooooring. Why don’t you explore your house on an exciting sexdventure- do it on the couch, the kitchen floor or in the shower. Bring new positions and / or toys into the game. Role play, use ice cream, tie him/ her up, whatever!
Remember that yours and your lover’s sexual needs can change over time, make sure you are always evolving to meet each other’s desires!
Routine is the devil here, people!

8. Schedule in a proper session. Over time it is easy for your sexlife to be made up of the go-to positions. You might still be having a ‘healthy’ number of sessions (4-5times per week), but if you are merely jerking yourself off using your partner it doesn’t really count. Take a night off or block off Saturday afternoon and spend it on a glorious time consuming multiple orgasm session. Take your time and have fun with your lover! I would say that quality counts over quantity.

There is a special kind of intimate closeness within a couple that has a great sex life. Matching libidos and attraction to one another sure helps, but remember that over time a healthy jiggy life takes time and work. It doesn’t just happen magically! It can, however be magic.
There are also cases where depression, illness, or stress can affect your lover’s libido. During such a time, you need to be emotionally supportive for your partner, while you sexually support yourself. This can be frustrating especially if your partner’s state is indefinite. You might want to consider a conversation where you discuss the expectations and rules for yourselves.
Sexual compatibility is REALLY important in a relationship.
Sexual satisfaction takes practice, so take your pants off and start practicing!

Sexytimes from the Modern Hussy

On Drinking

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 18:19:11 -0600

You’re a grown up now.

You have a job, you join professional circles and attend happy hour events. You take business class when travelling.

These are all great.

And it is fantastic that you can interact with your coworkers (and climb that corporate ladder like the corporate whore you are) in a social setting. But you need to remember one key thing. No matter how well you get along with your peers, and what a great laissez-faire attitude you have in the office… All these events and all these people, they still make up WORK.

So here is how you learn to be a professional party girl (or boy) while still remaining professional.

1. I want you to have fun. And I want you to BE the fun person you are outside of work, but remember that just because a work event includes alcohol and a dj, it doesn’t mean that you are at a rave party. Keep your composure and limit the grindy dance spurts to a minimum. Actually, scratch that- grindy dancing at work functions is never ok. To achieve this, give yourself a three drink maximum and at all costs avoid doing shots. Those spell more American spring break than a professional who should be taken seriously.

2. Your party ways can never interfere with your work. While on a business trip, several of us went out after dinner. The drinks kept coming, but myself and some others retired to our rooms circa midnight, while a small group continued on. Was I jealous of their bonding and stories of exploring the hotel circa 4 am? Of course I was. But they sauntered to our client’s office at 11 am ordered pizza and giggled in the corner like teenagers (they were 40) annoying the rest of us. 4 months later half of those people are no longer at the company. Here is the thing, the office staff loves people who are fun, but the boss will pick the nerdy hard worker everytime. Networking only gets you so far. You have to have the work ethic to back it up.

3. If partying does interfere with your work - ie you attend happy hour industry events that end in a make out with a rando at an after hours, followed by rushing into work the next morning still reeking of cheap Pinot Grigio; you might have a problem. Honestly, if you want to get crunk on your own time, that is technically ok, but I’ll warn you that it’s a small world and your supervisor’s cousin’s boyfriend is probably the bartender who cut you off your last round of tequila shots while the lights were going on at the club… Eventually people will realize that you are not merely under the weather every Thursday morning, but might actually be developing a problem with alcohol. Word gets around so stay classy.

4. Binge drinking has become so acceptable, that it is perfectly ok to sigh into the office 30 min late, with sunglasses on, exclaiming- ‘Gah, I’m SOOOOOO hung over’ and get sympathetic comments of approval from your peers. However, the thing with coworkers is that it is ok to like them, but you shouldn’t necessarily trust them. People are very quick to throw you under the bus if it will benefit them. Don’t be surprised if your less experienced (but better behaved) coworker gets better projects than you. If you become the well known office party girl, people will likely be afraid to depend on you. So keep even the worst hangover to yourself. Or better yet, end your school nights at 1, and go home to vitamin b and a large glass of water.

5. When travelling for work, maintain the same attitude you have in the office. Don’t get trashed on flights, trains, work dinners, or client meetings. Don’t forget that if you are female and work in a predominantly male environment, your tolerance is lower than that of men and that is ok. You can still seem like you are keeping up without passing out on your overpriced business steak.

When taking business flights it is great to enjoy the complimentary champagne that sure beats the vinegary swill they serve in economy. However, drinking on flights dehydrates you to the max and dehydration makes you look like a leather bag.

You don’t want that, do you?

So have a glass of champagne (ok, three), but not seven!

Stay professional!

*just wanted to add a disclaimer in here - there is one occasion in my professional career where drinking DID help my work, it involves Chinese factory owners, 2.5% beer and a night after which my Eastern Euro booze drinking ways gained me serious respect; but that is a story for another time ;)

Made With Paper

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 16:24:33 -0600

Made With Paper

On Youth

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 16:17:00 -0600

I was doing some trend research for work.
What better way than to ask the facebook? This particular question had to deal with the kind of music that people in their late teens and early 20s listen to.
The responses I received were a slew of snarky comments by thirty something year olds, letting me know that I should stop hitting on jail bait, asking me if I am not too old to listen to Justin Bieber and telling me that everyone below 26 is only exclusively into dub step. (Etc)
I found this to be a really interesting phenomenon.

The truth is, I have always had a range of friends of different ages. This goes back to my theory that the key to an interesting life is having multiple groups of friends that never meet. It is quite normal that their ages would range, no?

Back on the playground at the tender age of six, I had a four year old minion who did everything I commanded and thought i was the greatest thing since learning how to read. I was also sent on dates with my thirteen year old cousin (who was super important because she had a boyfriend). My cousin would leave me with her friends (to go make out presumably) and they would teach me the latest slang, introduce me to the latest music and generally raised my coolness factor times infinity.
This is where I first learned the benefits of having people of all ages in one’s life.

These days I often tend to hang out with younger people. Hell, most of my friends got married and pregnant, and so I had to get some younger friends who still considered champagne as an acceptable food group.
My mentor (who happens to be in his 60s) says that you get old as soon as you start looking backwards and starting every other sentence with ‘back in the day…’ and ‘Kids these days…’
I have met many people much older than I am who’s young spirit I admire and hope to maintain. I have also met a lot of people my age and younger who age themselves unnecessarily by self pigeon holing into what they THiNK they should be doing or achieving at any given time.
This kind of dangerous behaviour is precisely what will turn you into one of those people who can’t use their phone, since it is too technologically advanced, while riding the glory of their 20s.
Look, I am not telling you that the secret to youth means that you should ignore your responsibilities, or screw up your potential by partying like a teenager, or start acting like Zooey D ‘s character on the New Girl. This is about still dressing your age and frequenting an appropriate scene.
But what I do suggest is injecting some youthful spirit into your life.
Here are some tips:

1. Play in the snow / rain (get dirty. It’s ok)
2. Pet a dog / squeeze a cat (have you ever been able to stay grumpy around them?)
3. Have a dance off (the worse, the better)
4. Wear a shirt w an animal on it (hey, Kenzo did it! It’s no longer an aging librarian thing)
5. Don’t buy grown up plates (most of the things in my kitchen have animal tails, or are a ridiculous colour)
6. Don’t call yourself old (why the fuck would you??)
7. Have a conversation with someone 15 years younger than you are. (And don’t be an asshole about it. They are likely smarter and more open minded than you are)
8. Don’t take yourself so damn seriously (again, why would you do this?)

Enjoy life. And stop being such a grumpy old man.

On Fetishes: Mr. Foot

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 18:41:00 -0600

I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks, because life kind of got in the way (too busy with work during the week and too hungover on the weekends, I totally suck.) Anyhow to make it up to you, I have a very special treat. I almost never post entries by other people (this is MY BLOG), but my dear friend Lusty Lady Cycle has agreed to share with you this excellent (and true) story about her experience with Craigslist from a few years ago. This story is racy and I love it!

Oh ya, probably not safe for work!

Enjoy!!!

A few years ago I had plans to quit my job, pack my things and leave my beloved city for an undetermined amount of time.

At some point, I realized what I wanted to experience before leaving was a clandestine love affair with a woman.

I had accepted I didn’t have enough time for this to happen organically so I did what other sexually curious twenty-somethings do.  I posted an ad on craigslist.

Online, I met many women.

The process was exciting.

I felt myself opening up to possibilities I had never imagined. In this process, amongst those messages from gay women, women and their boyfriends and straight women looking for another soft skinned woman to cuddle and explore with, I met Mr. Foot.

Mr.Foot lured me with a simple message outlining his love of feet. He acknowledged he wasn’t a woman and couldn’t offer me what I was looking for – but what he could do, was offer endless foot massages and pedicures with nothing asked of me in return.

As someone who suffers from chronic joint pain in my feet, I was in.  

And so started the emails and the text messages, the long phone calls and requests for photos of my shoes. I participated willingly as we laid out the rules, boundaries and expectations.

 At no point was I expected to reciprocate sexually or physically. He wanted my feet to be as beat up, rough and unkempt as possible. He wanted to worship them.  

In return, he would bring me shoes. Size 9.

We figured each encounter had a price tag, which equaled a pair of shoes or vintage dress (that I would buy myself and he would reimburse me for).

We made plans to meet at my loft.

After several unsuccessful meet up attempts I was ready to throw in the towel, but he was persistent.

Finally, we set a date.

Mr Foot arrived 30 mins late at my run down loft apartment in the seedy part of the city. I sat in my hammock chair that swung from the beams, with him underneath me, eating my toes.

I was a little weirded out so I made him put a towel over his eyes. When it slipped off and I caught him watching me, I slapped him. These tiny dominations seemed to arouse him more.

Slowly, he started to masturbate.

If he lost any connection with my feet, I slapped him again.  

I watched him.

I stared at the ceiling.

I picked my nails.

I acted bored but inside, I was freaking out.

The less I paid attention to him and my feet, the more excited he got. Suddenly he stopped. He shyly asked me to get a spoon.

Indifferent, I walked to the kitchen, dragging my feet and returned with a spoon. He pulled up his shirt and continued to jerk off.

What the hell am I doing with this spoon? I wondered.

So I rubbed it on his exposed stomach and tapped his balls with it. Eventually, with enough feet sucking and ball tapping, he came. All over himself, spoon cupping balls, feet in mouth. And then he asked him to feed him his cum.

What the wha? Fine.

I scooped it up with the spoon and I put it in his mouth.

I wasn’t grossed out. Mostly, I was perplexed. Where was my foot rub? Where was my pedicure? WHERE in the hell were my shoes?!? Where were my vintage dresses?!!?!? 

He explained his wife had found the shoes and in an effort not to get caught, he gave them to her. He didn’t have the cash on him to pay me for the dresses but he’d bring everything next time.

Mr.Foot left. I went about my night knowing I would never see him again.  

Mr. Foot had come to my house, French kissed my feet, jerked off, had me feed him and offered me nothing of the promised things we had agreed to.   He continued to message me for weeks after and wanted to meet up but I refused.

Even though I didn’t have to ‘do’ anything, he hadn’t honoured his part of the deal. I also didn’t have time to wait around for someone who may or may not show up. So, I declined his future requests.

 Two days before I departed for my adventure, Mr.Foot called. He apologized and offered to pay me what he owed me. Touched, I agreed and said he could meet me at the corner of A and B to hand it over. Mr.Foot requested me meet at my apartment for one last session.   

I hung up.   

Recently, after many years away adventuring, I’ve returned to my beloved city to settle down with a partner I love, an amazing job, friends and family I missed dearly.   

What I didn’t miss or expect, was to see Mr.Foot on the metro platform. With his wife. I couldn’t stop staring. I dared him with my glare, challenging him to look back. I knew he’d seen me.

While Mr.Foot taught me a few valuable lessons about sexual encounters, what I realized truly, is the importance of communication and honesty in all relationships.

And, I love a good foot massage more than French toe kissing.

Made With Paper

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 19:08:38 -0600

Made With Paper

On Fast Forward Relationships

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 19:06:36 -0600

You know when you date a sea of asshole weirdos and then meet someone who makes you laugh and gets you and is ridiculously attractive and nice and smart and LIKES YOU BACK all the same ways?

You spend the first three weeks of knowing one another together non-stop. Dates turn into three day sleepovers, you get more jiggy than you have all last year, you spend hours gazing at one another while The National plays in the background, you call into work sick three times in two weeks and almost forget what it’s like to wear pants.

Finally, when you realize you are in desperate need of doing laundry and some alone time you come crashing down hardcore massive, sober up for a second, and after a twenty four hour sex withdrawal can’t help but wonder if it was too soon to give that stranger your keys.

What’s his / her last name again?

So here is Modern Hussy’s list of too soon behaviour in a zygote of a relationship (anything under 4 weeks)

1. It is too soon to give him / her your keys.

2. It is too soon to cross a border together

3. It is too soon to drop the L-bomb

4. It is too soon to plan a vacation 6 months from present date

5. It is too soon to meet his / her parents

6. It is too soon to be Facebook friends (unless you were already before you started banging)

7. It is too soon to change your relationship status

8. It is too soon to cancel your OkCupid account. (But you should probably stop checking it)

9. It is too soon to make him / her your emergency contact at the doctor’s office

10. It is too soon to make a sex tape (you slut).

11. It is too soon to get tattooed together.

12. It is definitely too soon to have unprotected sex.

13. It is too soon to attend an orgy together, unless of course that is your scene.

14. It is too soon to give him / her free reign of your friends

15. it is too soon to give him / her your debit card pin.

This is just an estimate of things that could probably happen in the scenario I described at the start of this post.

Beware.

Many things could still go wrong, and if you are not careful, or a bad judge of character, you could end up locked out of your place with an STI, banned from entering the EU, with your sex tape on an amateur porn site, with no friends.

Or even worse, you could realize that you started dating someone who was a total emotional slut, and does this to everyone he / she dates before losing interest and moving on to new pastures.

You could also realize that you yourself are an emotional slut and can’t function in society unless your existence is validated by another human being.

People are assholes. Don’t trust just anyone.

But I did not want to end it on a sour note.

Actually, I wanted you to know that while these rules are a handy checklist, but when you meet the right person most of them can go out the window (except for 10, 12, 13, and 15).

Be careful and don’t trust just anyone, but when you meet a great catch, just enjoy it and let it wash over you like a wave.

Who knows what will happen?

Love, M.H.

kinda late

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 08:59:47 -0600

due to some emotional terrorism, Easto parent guilt, much required yoga classes and a looming deadline this week’s post will be a little bit late. It is in progress and it is a good one

love

Photo

Fri, 01 Mar 2013 09:46:24 -0600

On aging partiers (and how I blame the internet for existential crisis)

Fri, 01 Mar 2013 09:36:25 -0600

Remember when we were in our late teens and early twenties and everytime we went out there was the one creepy dude who would hang at the end of the bar and perv at all the young girls?

Gross. That dude was at least 31.

Having attended an indie show the other day, I looked around and realized just how much the cross section of partiers has changed.

It seems that these days if you still hang out in bars or clubs, you will find yourself in the company of people between the ages of 18 and 36.

It’s kind of weird.

You glance up at a guy in skinny pants, suspenders and a James Dean t-shirt and the only reason you can approximate his age is the graying hair in his beard and a slightly receding hairline. There is a 21 year old two meters over wearing an identical outfit. With a full grown beard.

It’s the same for girls. They are all wearing some kind of layered, UK inspired get up with chunky ankle boots, their hair is ombré and they have nails inspired by nylon magazine.

Ten years ago, there was only two kinds if women over thirty and they did not resemble their twenty something counterparts.

The first kind were the soccer moms who, after marrying their university boyfriends, moved to the suburbs to pop out babies, buy flower pattern couches at discount box stores, and generally die a little bit each day, until their depressing end.

The second type were the single ones, who only went to sports bars to try and pick up ballers. They wore sky high heels and peacocked themselves to the max to attract the opposite sex (you know, big hair, super red lipstick, push up bra). They were cougars and identified with Carrie and Samantha from sex and the city. Their existence was mildly depressing as they died a little with each one night stand, while hoping that one of these investment bankers would eventually wife them, so that they could become woman type 1.

Oh, how times have changed.

We take our time to get married, as we watch all the marriages of people who did it in their 20s fall apart. We are taking our time to ‘figure out what we want to do’ with our lives, constantly busy yet unhappy and searching for life’s meaning.

Science is allowing us to make babies into our 40s and where babies cannot be had (or where we choose not to have then) a pair of Boston terrier dogs will take their place.

We often rent instead of owning, and have more disposable income for things like travel and going back to school for another design or sociology degree (so that we can finally get that brand consultant job). We are petrified to make decisions about our partners since our generation has so audibly announced that there is no ‘the one’.

Is it just me or have we become ultimately self absorbed people?

I blame the Internet.

It has allowed us to become the heroes and heroines in the well documented story of our lives. Never before have people had an audience when announcing what they had for breakfast or that ‘its raining’. A virtual world full of admirers makes us feel extra important and significant. Our inability to make decisions is strengthened by the fact that social networking will help us make them.

Ya, I spent my entire morning commute instagramming and writing this blog post. And now I’m checking who liked on my Instagram photos.

Case & point.

Ok, reading this back, I realize that I have gone on a huge tangent from my initial statement and am clearly having a bit of an existential crisis these days.

I think that it is good that we are still going out well into our 30s. Becoming an adult should not make you dead inside, and reduce you to formal dinner parties in your adult house, with your couple friends.

At the same time, I have reason to believe that the kidult backlash will eventually fuck us over. You can still be fun and have fun while living like a responsible adult.

So get a savings account, tell the person you have been casually banging that you want to get serious, get off the internet, learn to make your own decisions, and aim for a job that pays for all your concert tickets.

Love, M.H. (a struggling grown up)

kate-book.com

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 14:56:03 -0600

If I am ever busy I will just post links to this blog

she’s good!

Photo

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 17:05:16 -0600

On Horrible Tattoos

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 17:04:54 -0600

Some time ago I posted an entry about getting a tattoo here.

I have to do a follow up after my beach vacation on the worst tattoos I have seen:

1. Again several unicorn heads. On women over 40. Worst

2. Dolphins. Also on women over 40. What’s up with older broads and bad tattoo choices? And please remember my rule- if you meet someone with a dolphin tattoo,don’t bang them because it is almost certain that they are high maintenance.

3. A dude with a back piece dedicated entirely to himself. So, his year of birth on a banner, with two doves carrying it forward, a GIANT cross, his name and then the lyric of what appeared to be a classic rock song. Actually I am still on the fence whether that tattoo is incredibly douchey or amazing. I mean, a whole back piece so blatantly dedicated to you? That’s dedication. You gotta respect that.

4. A neck tattoo of a Chinese symbol on someone with no obvious roots to Asian culture. Dude was kinda thuggy, yet his ink is what girls usually get as a tramp stamp?

5. And speaking of tramp stamps, I saw one on a woman that was the imprint of a lipsticked kiss. Uhhhhhh

6. La piece de resistance- this guy was the chubby jokester of the group (you know the kind, every group of friends has one- his weight gives him self esteem problems, so he makes up for it by being the funny guy who will do anything to see the approval of his friends). Across his back, in bad BAD font, likely a product if his own ‘creativity’, it said K-MAX . A tattoo of an inside joke to make your friends laugh? Quite likely. Blargh.

Look, it’s fine if you wanna get inked. Tattoos are amazing and beautiful and allow you to express yourself, however it is petrifying what people choose for that self expression. The same way that taste in clothing is subjective, so is taste in ink.

So I can only offer you minimal advice if you are going to get a tattoo:

1. Find a well known, safe, nonsketchy shop. Don’t do it while on vacation at a beach stand (hello, all the heps)
2. Don’t pick anything off the wall or off the Internet. Let’s have some creativity. Find a tattoo artist who’s work you like and pay them to design something unique for you.
3. Don’t get anything tribal. Ever.
4. Tramp stamps on dudes are never ok.

Photo

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 09:46:47 -0600

On Chivalry (just in time for Valentine’s day)

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 09:35:00 -0600

If you live in certain parts of North America you likely got hit by some spectacular winter weather last week.

The Modern Hussy LOOOOOVES snow.

I love the cold, I love wearing furry things and leather things, and I love winter sports. Most importantly I love how the city looks, covered with a soft layer of white, fluffy snow.

What I do not like, is driving in the snow.

And last Friday I had to drive through the snowstorm.

A girl friend of mine was with me, as we cautiously slid our way to the vicinity of my house, trying the impossible: to find a parking spot. We found one that didn’t seem a complete snow bank and tried to drive into it.

And then tried to drive out of it. …..

And then nothing happened.

The front wheel of the car got stuck in an ICE CREVICE (Fuck you, ice crevice!!!), and we couldn’t go any further. With despair I tried to maneuver the car in any way, while my friend guided me from the outside, but the car was not going anywhere.

This continued for some time. People passed by and looked away, even though we were quite obviously two cute girls in distress. (And have I mentioned that my friend was single and would have definitely gone out with you if you helped us?)

Boys hurried on observing the scene, but not acknowledging our ‘please help us’ eyes.

We borrowed a shovel from a nearby restaurant and even then, there was very little interest in offering any kind of help. Finally a woman and her husband walked by and SHE asked if we needed help. She made her husband push the car out for us, but his help was short and limited and he wouldn’t drive the car out when we asked him to. We heard his wife scolding him as they walked away…

We held the shovel looking after them wandering what the hell does a girl have to do to get some help around these parts…..?

Eventually we just left the car where it was and went for drinks, discussing the major fail that just occurred.

So, what is going on? Is chivalry dead?

Did all those dudes who passed us by assume that we were doing all right, or that we would take offence when offered ‘man’ help?

Can we assume that they were nouveau hipster dudes who can’t actually drive as their main mode of transport is a vintage bike and occasional public transport?

Even then, would they not have been able to help push us out?

Where are all the real men???

Valentine’s day is upon us, and boys, instead of running all over town getting chocolates and flowers and reservations at restaurants that serve all their food with foams and reductions- I have a better idea.

Make today your day of chivalry!

Come fix our stove, push our cars out of ditches, open that door, carry us over the puddle, chop down that tree, rescue our kitten! And we will make you a steak.

Now that’s romance!

May this year be the return of the retro sexual!

Happy Valentines Day!

M.H.

On Banging in the City

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 08:18:00 -0600

All right single girl, you’re doing it.

You successfully got over your ex, are over your fear of new penises and are starting to date.

You quickly realize just how sucky you are at this.

Don’t worry. No one is a natural and these things improve over time (and over more dates).

In all likelihood you will meet someone who already frequents your circles. Even the biggest city is actually not that big, once you factor in your age group, scene, interests and the fact that everything you do is contained within a five block radius of your house.

This is great (less cab fare when you abruptly leave the bar with a hook up to go make out at your place), but it is also really sucky because let’s face it, 9 out of 10 dudes you meet will be a learning experience (this is what girls call a waste of time). This means that you will probably see them around once you are done with them, and they will likely know the next dude you hook up with. Not everyone has the ‘I’m leaving the country excuse’ that I used to be so fond of following every major dating disaster, so you are just going to have to learn how to diplomatically bang and date in the city.

1. Minimize your one night stands. I’m just as fond of banging a stranger as the next girl, but there is a time and place for it. If you repeatedly go to the bar, get slutty and wake up next to a gentleman who’s name you can’t remember, you might want to instill a four drink maximum. One night stands are ok sometimes. However, making the rounds with every willing dude in town will give you a rep and an unsatisfying sex life.

2. Be honest. If you don’t want to be exclusive make sure you let the people you date know that right from the start. Running into someone you are seeing when you are on a date with someone else is painful enough, yet miles worse when either one thinks you are his girlfriend.

3. Don’t lead anyone on. Once you realize this person is not for you, give him one more chance (or sleep with him one more time) and then abort mission. Dating is supposed to be fun. Dating is not supposed to be a stressful experiment where you have to convince yourself that this is what you want. Trust your gut feeling, if you are not into him within the first three to five dates you are likely not going to develop that. Don’t waste time!

4. Beware of the spider. There are some guys (and girls) who know how to manipulate every situation by being the really nice guy who treats you like gold. He also avoids getting dumped by telling you that he is ok with being casual and dating other people (he isn’t). You get tangled up in this emotional web until you wake up one day and realize that he tricked you into moving in (he was only offering a temporary sublet when your apartment flooded and you thought this was so nice), and now is well on the way to wife you. I always say give nice guys a chance, but don’t stay with them just because they are nice!

You can’t make a spark where there wasn’t one to begin with!

4. Keep the dramz to a minimum. You probably shouldn’t tell everyone about your date’s craziness or preferences in bed. Whether it works out or not, don’t gossip! Dating in a small scene means that people will talk. Becoming known as the girl who kisses and tells will ensure that no one will want to date you! Respect your date’s privacy and hope he will do the same.

5. Don’t fall into insta girlfriend mode. It’s easy to get carried away, and you do have feelings and emotions. However acting all girlfriend like with a dude you just met or one you do not see as a long term investment is in bad taste. You do want to get to know him and you do want to be yourself, but planning vacations six months from the third date is very emotionally slutty (and that’s the worst kind of slut!). Enter every situation with cautious optimism and reserve some distance until you are both ready for a more serious mutually agreed on commitment.

Now, while I want you to have really good sexytimes, I highly suggest that you keep any semi extreme kinks to yourself. It’s nice to explore your sexuality with a partner you trust, but don’t whip out all the tricks on a first time sleepover. I’m not telling you to be vanilla, I just suggest that you ease into any kinks slowly ad make sure that your partner is into it. One-sided dirty talk is awwwwkkkward!!!

6. Learn how to break up. Disappearing and stopping all contact will guarantee a lot of awkward run ins in your neighbourhood! Have the decency to break up like an adult. Again, I know that this is an uncomfortable convo to have, but a very important one. No one likes break ups, but you will be a much better person if you walk away from a dating situation with a polite goodbye and limited dramz. You will be flagged as a crazy, however, if your breakups consist of 3 am text messages and drunken public outbursts.

Wrap up every situation as you would a job. Bridge burners suck.

You don’t have to be friends with a romance gone wrong, but you should be civil, you never know who your next review will come from.

7. Take time off. Don’t start dating his friend the next day. Take some time off to secretly regale your girlfriends with the stories of what a disaster your last date was, take yourself to the spa and do some yoga. Even if you only dated for a week or two, you need to take a breather, and note what went wrong.

I think that covers it. Tune in next week for another episode!

Happy dating MH

disclaimer

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 11:08:21 -0600

this blog IS super offensive and has never claimed otherwise

the PC term for a person with disabilities is ‘person with developmental disabilities’ and I would never call such a person ‘retarded’

On how Retarded Girls Are (part time lovers, Internet stalking and other stories)

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 08:05:46 -0600

When I think back to two years ago I realize even more now how retarded I was as a single girl looking for love.

Now I AM in love, and my love is super fab, and nice and fun and nice and makes me happy.

With that said, don’t think that I am an asshole who now only talks about her relationship and doesn’t understand single people. I do understand and I am very sympathetic, it’s brutal out there! And it’s even worse because people in relationships judge you (jealous assholes). I can help you single ladies gauge whether you are acting insane. I’ve been there.

1. First of all boys are really simple to read. If he likes you, it doesn’t matter that he does not have your number… He will figure out a way to contact you. The average person has seven possible ways of contact- via Facebook, phone, emails, mutual friends, that coffee shop or dub step night you both hang out at… If you met him on a one night stand and he didn’t ask for your number, he is likely not interested in seeing you again.

2. If it’s been five days and you haven’t heard from him just accept the fact that you got finger banged in the bathroom at the office Christmas party and that nothing else is coming out of it. He is not afraid of his feelings, he does not worry about his reputation, he simply does not wish to put anything of his into anything of yours.

3. He may message you and say something like ‘sup’ or ‘where you at?’. Now, I know it’s really hard to read that (it’s not) and it could mean many things (it doesn’t), but do you really think that either one of those messages can be reinterpreted into proof of undying love? Girls do. Girls’ brains work like that. So stop overly analyzing, ‘sup’ means ‘sup’. That’s all.

If he uses words such as (you’re) pretty’, (you’re) ‘cool’, ’date’, ‘pick you up’ it is likely he is just one of those guys who wants to hang out, without making concise plans, or he’s not interested.

Both things to avoid.

5. Well, why would he still make love to me like that??? You ask. And it’s simple. It’s rare that boys say no to ass. Sometimes they are scared to say no, as a drunk determined rejected female is terrifying. They’d rather stick their dick in you than risk pissing you off! Also, don’t confuse ‘making love’ for straight up turned on passion. (And don’t say ‘making love’, that’s weird).

6. He’s just waiting or the right time to be your boyfriend! Your friends tell you. Bitch, what?

The right time?

Like, 4 pm?

Or when his first three options reject him?

Or when he figures out his sexuality?

There is no right time. Dude’s either into you or he’s not. It’s simple, so stop being wack.

7. Get off the Internet. Your heart skips when you see him come on g-chat. You follow all his activities on Facebook and hope that if you ‘like’ enough of his photos, he will finally realize how much you two have in common. You post status updates with witty banter and song lyrics that are meaningful to you both (do you think he really remembers that Gucci Mane played in the background while you made out?) in hopes that he will notice you. This tactic is a giant waste of time. All that you are doing is using up valuable time on the internets. What you should be doing is going out with your friends trolling for new boys to flirt with. Real life beats the internets, everytime.

Once you sober up and realize all this you will understand that you have been taking scraps from someone who had very little interest in you. Sometimes dudes like to keep a girl around for a rainy day bang, others just like the attention.

That realization will be reinforced in little ways for example, when he contacts you around Christmas every Christmas even though you have been ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook for months. He cannot get bothered to actually research whether you are even available. He is giving you as little attention now as he was when you thought you two were involved!

You will get past this. We’ve all obsessed over a dude who strung us along. So stop letting yourself get strung!

Love MH

On Internet Dating

Fri, 25 Jan 2013 14:19:34 -0600

If you have been reading this blog since the beginning you know that I swore Internet dating off after my one and only date- read about it here.

However I still think that for some this is an excellent way of meeting new people and falling in lust.

You might say that I have no experience with these matters, but actually I have talked many of my Internet dating friends off the ledge after a particularly bad date.

Also, I am really good at being cool on the internets.

Also, just to be sure I am bringing you the most informed advice I consulted my bestie (hi AM) who once considered writing a book based on her Internet dating period.

We all know that you are stalking that hottie on Instagram and checking the relationship status of your friend’s friends on the Facebook, so why don’t you just do yourself and favour, get over the stigma and start going on dates with randoms on the Internet, who are actually presumably single and looking to mingle.

Let’s assume you have already selected your online dating website (I wouldn’t pay for it, but knock yourself out if you want to be on match.com or equivalent).

Write your profile to represent yourself. I was a total asshole on my profile and only posted photos of shoes, because I thought that my knight in shining armour should understand my Wu Tang related quotes and weird obsession with avocados. In retrospect I was likely too weird and put myself into the niche market section of online dating. So, when you are writing yours be generally specific. Don’t lie.

Anyhow, see Modern Hussy’s tips on how to avoid disasters while Internet dating.

1. Don’t lie!!!! If you are serious about meeting someone to date, lying is stupid. They will likely quickly find out you fibbed upon real life meeting. So don’t say you are 28 when you are actually 34, don’t post photos of yourself post gastro when you were 8 kilos lighter, and don’t make up a fancy job that you will never have.

2. Be honest! Different than lying, being honest requires letting potential dates know what you are looking for. So if your final objective is ‘marriage, kids’ don’t check the ‘casual sex’ box. Stop wasting your and other people’s time.

3. Arrange to meet in real life as soon as possible. It’s really easy to think someone is amazing when your contact consists of cleverly worded emails and chats. However, you will know within the first five minutes of meeting whether or not you want to bang him/her.

4. When setting up the first date, arrange something short and sweet. A happy hour meeting is great, and you can fake ‘dinner plans with my best friend at 8’ to get you out of there. A five course tasting menu would be the worst with someone you have no interest in. Keep it short and sweet. If you are a drinker, alcohol is a great lubricant in these situations.

5. Let a friend know where you are going. Date rape and serial killers are a total buzzkill, so make sure you stay safe by letting a friend know who you are meeting and where, leave a contact number and your date’s name + online moniker. Call said friend when you are safe at home.

6. Don’t get trashed. You know you get slutty after three drinks, and there are only so many strangers you should bang in a lifetime. If the date is going well, don’t show him/her what a great time you are having by turning it into a pants off party. Or saying something like “I really want you to be my boyfriend” or other first date inappropriate comments. Keep it to three drinks and end the date to continue on to your fake dinner plans (or real dinner plans, whatever). Note that making out on a first date is super tacky. Don’t do it.

7. Choose your date location wisely. A bar or cafe you are familiar with is the best bet. Avoid going to a sketchy part of town. Under no circumstances should you go to his/her house. Not only is it dangerous, but can also get you in weird situations such as meeting your date’s entire family, while there is a web series being filmed about a rising rap star in the kitchen… Or something.

8. If you had a good time say ‘I had a good time, we should do it again’. Ladies- Do not arrange a follow up date on the spot, eager pants. Wait for him to contact you later to ask you out again. Boys- Do not arrange a follow up date on the spot, eager pants, contact her in the next couple of days to properly ask her out again.

9. What to wear? While you want to look pretty, do not get overly glammed up. Getting overly dressed up is going to make you look like you are going to prom. You want to look casual and effortlessly striking. On that note, remember that heels are a must, and let you fit into many different settings. Remember to look like yourself. I suggest skinny jeans, a loose sweater and some killer shoes. Easy on the black eyeliner.

10. If you do not want a repeat date…Let them know soon. You do not want to get haunted by messages and phone calls by someone who doesn’t interest you. Do not lead them on. Break up with them. I am really bad at this. After my last (and only) online date I changed my phone number and deleted my profile… I am horrible, I know, he probably thinks I died. So I consulted a website that helps you with this…

“If you’ve only been on one or two dates with a particular person, you can pretty much get away with anything in terms of breaking it off. Since you met online, it’s perfectly acceptable to end things via online messaging or email. In fact, it would actually be strange to break things off in-person…since you’ve only met in-person once or twice! Stick with a nice but firm email: “It was so nice to get to know you on our dates, thank you. I think you are a great person but I don’t see us as a match. Best of luck in your search!””

copied from here http://www.examiner.com/article/breaking-up-online-is-not-hard-to-do

Happy dating

Love M.H.