As you may have figured out The Modern Hussy is single. This is half by choice and half because I honestly have not met anyone in the last years who I could stand on a semi prolonged basis. Dudes get so emo once they get smitten and it makes me want to puke. This is not to say that the Hussy does NOT believe in love, and eventually hopes to find someone she hates less than the others.
He will be tall, know all the words to 36 Chambers, pet me at length, be only appropriately emo and hopefully travel for work a lot.
Once upon a time when I WAS a girlfriend, I was quite good at it, attentive, giving, understanding and a good cook. I thought I had some tips saved up from those days, but now realize that my relationship maturity is that of a seventeen year old (aka I think all arguments can be settled with a blowjob). So instead, I have taken advice from friends who’s relationships I consider to be really successful: they are still fun to hang out with and act smitten like they just met 6 months ago despite being together for years and years and years. The answers I got back were not exactly earth shattering, it turns out that the way to have a healthy relationship is more obvious than one would expect. Once I find the poor future sucker who I actually want to keep around past early Sunday morning this is how I plan to act, and you should too!
1. All those people who claim they have found their ‘other half’ scare me to death. One should not expect to get everything from one person. That is SO codepended, not to mention unrealistic. While I do not condemn monogamy, I think that the gay boyfriend is a perfect loophole to a monogamous relationship. As are your friends. As is your vibrator. Have a life on your own. And don’t make him sign up for ‘fun couple things’ with you. I hate that shit, and he does too. Why go to ballroom dancing when you can go to strip dancing class with your girlfriends prefaced by downing a bottle of champagne to calm the nerves, and LATER treat him with a little crawling on the floor to ‘don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me.’ OR more likely, hilarious stories of how awkward you are trying to disrobe yourself while doing the hair toss.
2. Keeping things routine will never get you anywhere. Especially in bed. I talk to couples who claim they have a healthy sex life. And statistically they might. Having sex five times a week seems to be in order, unless you talk specifics. A lot of couples in long term relationships have traded in sex for 12 minutes of masturbating yourself to orgasm using the other person. How fun! Girls, your body has changed going from your 20s to your 30s. Know yourself and what gets you off, read some books about your clit, don’t be afraid to experiment, and have fun. Maybe withhold sex for a week and then surprise him with some naughty play in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon. Switch it up!
3. Don’t be a ball and chain. Partners who control their significant other’s every move are bat shit crazy. Trust me, if your man wants to cheat, he will cheat, regardless of how many times you check up on him. Personally, I would prefer to know my man wants to be with me because I’m awesome, not because he is petrified of me. So let him go off with the guys once in a while, even if you know he will likely end up doing stupid shit you don’ t approve of. As long as he keeps coming home to you all things are in order. You cannot OWN anyone.
4. Nobody should ever have to go antiquing.
5. The best boyfriends are the ones who have a girl for a close friend. Those are the guys that have been forced to talk about their feelings by their friends who are girls and thus will be more in touch with their emotional side. As a girlfriend, you cannot be intimidated by the close friend-girl. If they had wanted to bang they probably already did, and have no interest of doing it again.
6. “Healthy” relationships are made of healthy people, so rather than worrying about the magic of the relationship it’s far wiser to work on yourself and the relationship falls into place. Be compassionate, kind, self-assured, and willing to laugh things off. Even while in a relationship, act as if you are dating, you still have to like yourself as an individual before anyone else does.
7. Learn to compromise- also known as ‘the third way’. Do not take one another for granted, and forgive when one of you stumbles. Holding grudges is probably the most toxic thing for a relationship. Don’t let crap build up, work out the problems as they come along, and learn how to truly forgive.
8. When things get insanely busy, make sure you carve out some time alone to reconnect. Date night and unexpected surprises are totally what Cosmo tells you to do, but it works. Make the other person feel special, by showing up at their office for a quickie.
9. On top of maintaining your individuality, maintain you abs! You know those couples who get together, suddenly get ridiculously fat, wear only pants with an elastic waistband, and pretty much stop trying as they already bagged their object of interest? HURL! You should never stop wanting to be attractive to your significant other. Maintain a healthy and active lifestyle, and stay hot!
10. A relationship is made up for two people. You may not realize just how bombarded you are by advice from friends, television, Dan Savage, Cosmo, or therapists. But really, what happens inside of a relationship is only between the two of you, and only the two of you can really gauge whether or not it is working. There is no formula for what a ‘perfect relationship’ should be, and you should not panic or think something is wrong if your romance does not resemble a romantic comedy. Don’t get blinded and be able to objectively determine whether or not your needs are being met. If they are not, clearly state what you need. Your expectations will change over time and the key is to be aware of what you want as well as what your partner wants. Odds are, if you feel happy, things are working. If you feel like shit everytime your significant other comes near, you should evaluate if this is who you want to be with. Don’t forget, that you two have to like eachother! Staying together just because you have so much ‘invested’ together is retarded.
Happy Loving to all from the Modern Hussy!
p.s. if you are not already, be my friend on the Facebook