Remember when we were in our late teens and early twenties and everytime we went out there was the one creepy dude who would hang at the end of the bar and perv at all the young girls?
Gross. That dude was at least 31.
Having attended an indie show the other day, I looked around and realized just how much the cross section of partiers has changed.
It seems that these days if you still hang out in bars or clubs, you will find yourself in the company of people between the ages of 18 and 36.
It’s kind of weird.
You glance up at a guy in skinny pants, suspenders and a James Dean t-shirt and the only reason you can approximate his age is the graying hair in his beard and a slightly receding hairline. There is a 21 year old two meters over wearing an identical outfit. With a full grown beard.
It’s the same for girls. They are all wearing some kind of layered, UK inspired get up with chunky ankle boots, their hair is ombré and they have nails inspired by nylon magazine.
Ten years ago, there was only two kinds if women over thirty and they did not resemble their twenty something counterparts.
The first kind were the soccer moms who, after marrying their university boyfriends, moved to the suburbs to pop out babies, buy flower pattern couches at discount box stores, and generally die a little bit each day, until their depressing end.
The second type were the single ones, who only went to sports bars to try and pick up ballers. They wore sky high heels and peacocked themselves to the max to attract the opposite sex (you know, big hair, super red lipstick, push up bra). They were cougars and identified with Carrie and Samantha from sex and the city. Their existence was mildly depressing as they died a little with each one night stand, while hoping that one of these investment bankers would eventually wife them, so that they could become woman type 1.
Oh, how times have changed.
We take our time to get married, as we watch all the marriages of people who did it in their 20s fall apart. We are taking our time to ‘figure out what we want to do’ with our lives, constantly busy yet unhappy and searching for life’s meaning.
Science is allowing us to make babies into our 40s and where babies cannot be had (or where we choose not to have then) a pair of Boston terrier dogs will take their place.
We often rent instead of owning, and have more disposable income for things like travel and going back to school for another design or sociology degree (so that we can finally get that brand consultant job). We are petrified to make decisions about our partners since our generation has so audibly announced that there is no ‘the one’.
Is it just me or have we become ultimately self absorbed people?
I blame the Internet.
It has allowed us to become the heroes and heroines in the well documented story of our lives. Never before have people had an audience when announcing what they had for breakfast or that ‘its raining’. A virtual world full of admirers makes us feel extra important and significant. Our inability to make decisions is strengthened by the fact that social networking will help us make them.
Ya, I spent my entire morning commute instagramming and writing this blog post. And now I’m checking who liked on my Instagram photos.
Case & point.
Ok, reading this back, I realize that I have gone on a huge tangent from my initial statement and am clearly having a bit of an existential crisis these days.
I think that it is good that we are still going out well into our 30s. Becoming an adult should not make you dead inside, and reduce you to formal dinner parties in your adult house, with your couple friends.
At the same time, I have reason to believe that the kidult backlash will eventually fuck us over. You can still be fun and have fun while living like a responsible adult.
So get a savings account, tell the person you have been casually banging that you want to get serious, get off the internet, learn to make your own decisions, and aim for a job that pays for all your concert tickets.
Love, M.H. (a struggling grown up)
If I am ever busy I will just post links to this blog
she’s good!
Some time ago I posted an entry about getting a tattoo here.
I have to do a follow up after my beach vacation on the worst tattoos I have seen:
1. Again several unicorn heads. On women over 40. Worst
2. Dolphins. Also on women over 40. What’s up with older broads and bad tattoo choices? And please remember my rule- if you meet someone with a dolphin tattoo,don’t bang them because it is almost certain that they are high maintenance.
3. A dude with a back piece dedicated entirely to himself. So, his year of birth on a banner, with two doves carrying it forward, a GIANT cross, his name and then the lyric of what appeared to be a classic rock song. Actually I am still on the fence whether that tattoo is incredibly douchey or amazing. I mean, a whole back piece so blatantly dedicated to you? That’s dedication. You gotta respect that.
4. A neck tattoo of a Chinese symbol on someone with no obvious roots to Asian culture. Dude was kinda thuggy, yet his ink is what girls usually get as a tramp stamp?
5. And speaking of tramp stamps, I saw one on a woman that was the imprint of a lipsticked kiss. Uhhhhhh
6. La piece de resistance- this guy was the chubby jokester of the group (you know the kind, every group of friends has one- his weight gives him self esteem problems, so he makes up for it by being the funny guy who will do anything to see the approval of his friends). Across his back, in bad BAD font, likely a product if his own ‘creativity’, it said K-MAX . A tattoo of an inside joke to make your friends laugh? Quite likely. Blargh.
Look, it’s fine if you wanna get inked. Tattoos are amazing and beautiful and allow you to express yourself, however it is petrifying what people choose for that self expression. The same way that taste in clothing is subjective, so is taste in ink.
So I can only offer you minimal advice if you are going to get a tattoo:
1. Find a well known, safe, nonsketchy shop. Don’t do it while on vacation at a beach stand (hello, all the heps)
2. Don’t pick anything off the wall or off the Internet. Let’s have some creativity. Find a tattoo artist who’s work you like and pay them to design something unique for you.
3. Don’t get anything tribal. Ever.
4. Tramp stamps on dudes are never ok.
If you live in certain parts of North America you likely got hit by some spectacular winter weather last week.
The Modern Hussy LOOOOOVES snow.
I love the cold, I love wearing furry things and leather things, and I love winter sports. Most importantly I love how the city looks, covered with a soft layer of white, fluffy snow.
What I do not like, is driving in the snow.
And last Friday I had to drive through the snowstorm.
A girl friend of mine was with me, as we cautiously slid our way to the vicinity of my house, trying the impossible: to find a parking spot. We found one that didn’t seem a complete snow bank and tried to drive into it.
And then tried to drive out of it. …..
And then nothing happened.
The front wheel of the car got stuck in an ICE CREVICE (Fuck you, ice crevice!!!), and we couldn’t go any further. With despair I tried to maneuver the car in any way, while my friend guided me from the outside, but the car was not going anywhere.
This continued for some time. People passed by and looked away, even though we were quite obviously two cute girls in distress. (And have I mentioned that my friend was single and would have definitely gone out with you if you helped us?)
Boys hurried on observing the scene, but not acknowledging our ‘please help us’ eyes.
We borrowed a shovel from a nearby restaurant and even then, there was very little interest in offering any kind of help. Finally a woman and her husband walked by and SHE asked if we needed help. She made her husband push the car out for us, but his help was short and limited and he wouldn’t drive the car out when we asked him to. We heard his wife scolding him as they walked away…
We held the shovel looking after them wandering what the hell does a girl have to do to get some help around these parts…..?
Eventually we just left the car where it was and went for drinks, discussing the major fail that just occurred.
So, what is going on? Is chivalry dead?
Did all those dudes who passed us by assume that we were doing all right, or that we would take offence when offered ‘man’ help?
Can we assume that they were nouveau hipster dudes who can’t actually drive as their main mode of transport is a vintage bike and occasional public transport?
Even then, would they not have been able to help push us out?
Where are all the real men???
Valentine’s day is upon us, and boys, instead of running all over town getting chocolates and flowers and reservations at restaurants that serve all their food with foams and reductions- I have a better idea.
Make today your day of chivalry!
Come fix our stove, push our cars out of ditches, open that door, carry us over the puddle, chop down that tree, rescue our kitten! And we will make you a steak.
Now that’s romance!
May this year be the return of the retro sexual!
Happy Valentines Day!
M.H.
All right single girl, you’re doing it.
You successfully got over your ex, are over your fear of new penises and are starting to date.
You quickly realize just how sucky you are at this.
Don’t worry. No one is a natural and these things improve over time (and over more dates).
In all likelihood you will meet someone who already frequents your circles. Even the biggest city is actually not that big, once you factor in your age group, scene, interests and the fact that everything you do is contained within a five block radius of your house.
This is great (less cab fare when you abruptly leave the bar with a hook up to go make out at your place), but it is also really sucky because let’s face it, 9 out of 10 dudes you meet will be a learning experience (this is what girls call a waste of time). This means that you will probably see them around once you are done with them, and they will likely know the next dude you hook up with. Not everyone has the ‘I’m leaving the country excuse’ that I used to be so fond of following every major dating disaster, so you are just going to have to learn how to diplomatically bang and date in the city.
1. Minimize your one night stands. I’m just as fond of banging a stranger as the next girl, but there is a time and place for it. If you repeatedly go to the bar, get slutty and wake up next to a gentleman who’s name you can’t remember, you might want to instill a four drink maximum. One night stands are ok sometimes. However, making the rounds with every willing dude in town will give you a rep and an unsatisfying sex life.
2. Be honest. If you don’t want to be exclusive make sure you let the people you date know that right from the start. Running into someone you are seeing when you are on a date with someone else is painful enough, yet miles worse when either one thinks you are his girlfriend.
3. Don’t lead anyone on. Once you realize this person is not for you, give him one more chance (or sleep with him one more time) and then abort mission. Dating is supposed to be fun. Dating is not supposed to be a stressful experiment where you have to convince yourself that this is what you want. Trust your gut feeling, if you are not into him within the first three to five dates you are likely not going to develop that. Don’t waste time!
4. Beware of the spider. There are some guys (and girls) who know how to manipulate every situation by being the really nice guy who treats you like gold. He also avoids getting dumped by telling you that he is ok with being casual and dating other people (he isn’t). You get tangled up in this emotional web until you wake up one day and realize that he tricked you into moving in (he was only offering a temporary sublet when your apartment flooded and you thought this was so nice), and now is well on the way to wife you. I always say give nice guys a chance, but don’t stay with them just because they are nice!
You can’t make a spark where there wasn’t one to begin with!
4. Keep the dramz to a minimum. You probably shouldn’t tell everyone about your date’s craziness or preferences in bed. Whether it works out or not, don’t gossip! Dating in a small scene means that people will talk. Becoming known as the girl who kisses and tells will ensure that no one will want to date you! Respect your date’s privacy and hope he will do the same.
5. Don’t fall into insta girlfriend mode. It’s easy to get carried away, and you do have feelings and emotions. However acting all girlfriend like with a dude you just met or one you do not see as a long term investment is in bad taste. You do want to get to know him and you do want to be yourself, but planning vacations six months from the third date is very emotionally slutty (and that’s the worst kind of slut!). Enter every situation with cautious optimism and reserve some distance until you are both ready for a more serious mutually agreed on commitment.
Now, while I want you to have really good sexytimes, I highly suggest that you keep any semi extreme kinks to yourself. It’s nice to explore your sexuality with a partner you trust, but don’t whip out all the tricks on a first time sleepover. I’m not telling you to be vanilla, I just suggest that you ease into any kinks slowly ad make sure that your partner is into it. One-sided dirty talk is awwwwkkkward!!!
6. Learn how to break up. Disappearing and stopping all contact will guarantee a lot of awkward run ins in your neighbourhood! Have the decency to break up like an adult. Again, I know that this is an uncomfortable convo to have, but a very important one. No one likes break ups, but you will be a much better person if you walk away from a dating situation with a polite goodbye and limited dramz. You will be flagged as a crazy, however, if your breakups consist of 3 am text messages and drunken public outbursts.
Wrap up every situation as you would a job. Bridge burners suck.
You don’t have to be friends with a romance gone wrong, but you should be civil, you never know who your next review will come from.
7. Take time off. Don’t start dating his friend the next day. Take some time off to secretly regale your girlfriends with the stories of what a disaster your last date was, take yourself to the spa and do some yoga. Even if you only dated for a week or two, you need to take a breather, and note what went wrong.
I think that covers it. Tune in next week for another episode!
Happy dating MH
this blog IS super offensive and has never claimed otherwise
the PC term for a person with disabilities is ‘person with developmental disabilities’ and I would never call such a person ‘retarded’
When I think back to two years ago I realize even more now how retarded I was as a single girl looking for love.
Now I AM in love, and my love is super fab, and nice and fun and nice and makes me happy.
With that said, don’t think that I am an asshole who now only talks about her relationship and doesn’t understand single people. I do understand and I am very sympathetic, it’s brutal out there! And it’s even worse because people in relationships judge you (jealous assholes). I can help you single ladies gauge whether you are acting insane. I’ve been there.
1. First of all boys are really simple to read. If he likes you, it doesn’t matter that he does not have your number… He will figure out a way to contact you. The average person has seven possible ways of contact- via Facebook, phone, emails, mutual friends, that coffee shop or dub step night you both hang out at… If you met him on a one night stand and he didn’t ask for your number, he is likely not interested in seeing you again.
2. If it’s been five days and you haven’t heard from him just accept the fact that you got finger banged in the bathroom at the office Christmas party and that nothing else is coming out of it. He is not afraid of his feelings, he does not worry about his reputation, he simply does not wish to put anything of his into anything of yours.
3. He may message you and say something like ‘sup’ or ‘where you at?’. Now, I know it’s really hard to read that (it’s not) and it could mean many things (it doesn’t), but do you really think that either one of those messages can be reinterpreted into proof of undying love? Girls do. Girls’ brains work like that. So stop overly analyzing, ‘sup’ means ‘sup’. That’s all.
If he uses words such as (you’re) pretty’, (you’re) ‘cool’, ’date’, ‘pick you up’ it is likely he is just one of those guys who wants to hang out, without making concise plans, or he’s not interested.
Both things to avoid.
5. Well, why would he still make love to me like that??? You ask. And it’s simple. It’s rare that boys say no to ass. Sometimes they are scared to say no, as a drunk determined rejected female is terrifying. They’d rather stick their dick in you than risk pissing you off! Also, don’t confuse ‘making love’ for straight up turned on passion. (And don’t say ‘making love’, that’s weird).
6. He’s just waiting or the right time to be your boyfriend! Your friends tell you. Bitch, what?
The right time?
Like, 4 pm?
Or when his first three options reject him?
Or when he figures out his sexuality?
There is no right time. Dude’s either into you or he’s not. It’s simple, so stop being wack.
7. Get off the Internet. Your heart skips when you see him come on g-chat. You follow all his activities on Facebook and hope that if you ‘like’ enough of his photos, he will finally realize how much you two have in common. You post status updates with witty banter and song lyrics that are meaningful to you both (do you think he really remembers that Gucci Mane played in the background while you made out?) in hopes that he will notice you. This tactic is a giant waste of time. All that you are doing is using up valuable time on the internets. What you should be doing is going out with your friends trolling for new boys to flirt with. Real life beats the internets, everytime.
Once you sober up and realize all this you will understand that you have been taking scraps from someone who had very little interest in you. Sometimes dudes like to keep a girl around for a rainy day bang, others just like the attention.
That realization will be reinforced in little ways for example, when he contacts you around Christmas every Christmas even though you have been ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook for months. He cannot get bothered to actually research whether you are even available. He is giving you as little attention now as he was when you thought you two were involved!
You will get past this. We’ve all obsessed over a dude who strung us along. So stop letting yourself get strung!
Love MH
If you have been reading this blog since the beginning you know that I swore Internet dating off after my one and only date- read about it here.
However I still think that for some this is an excellent way of meeting new people and falling in lust.
You might say that I have no experience with these matters, but actually I have talked many of my Internet dating friends off the ledge after a particularly bad date.
Also, I am really good at being cool on the internets.
Also, just to be sure I am bringing you the most informed advice I consulted my bestie (hi AM) who once considered writing a book based on her Internet dating period.
We all know that you are stalking that hottie on Instagram and checking the relationship status of your friend’s friends on the Facebook, so why don’t you just do yourself and favour, get over the stigma and start going on dates with randoms on the Internet, who are actually presumably single and looking to mingle.
Let’s assume you have already selected your online dating website (I wouldn’t pay for it, but knock yourself out if you want to be on match.com or equivalent).
Write your profile to represent yourself. I was a total asshole on my profile and only posted photos of shoes, because I thought that my knight in shining armour should understand my Wu Tang related quotes and weird obsession with avocados. In retrospect I was likely too weird and put myself into the niche market section of online dating. So, when you are writing yours be generally specific. Don’t lie.
Anyhow, see Modern Hussy’s tips on how to avoid disasters while Internet dating.
1. Don’t lie!!!! If you are serious about meeting someone to date, lying is stupid. They will likely quickly find out you fibbed upon real life meeting. So don’t say you are 28 when you are actually 34, don’t post photos of yourself post gastro when you were 8 kilos lighter, and don’t make up a fancy job that you will never have.
2. Be honest! Different than lying, being honest requires letting potential dates know what you are looking for. So if your final objective is ‘marriage, kids’ don’t check the ‘casual sex’ box. Stop wasting your and other people’s time.
3. Arrange to meet in real life as soon as possible. It’s really easy to think someone is amazing when your contact consists of cleverly worded emails and chats. However, you will know within the first five minutes of meeting whether or not you want to bang him/her.
4. When setting up the first date, arrange something short and sweet. A happy hour meeting is great, and you can fake ‘dinner plans with my best friend at 8’ to get you out of there. A five course tasting menu would be the worst with someone you have no interest in. Keep it short and sweet. If you are a drinker, alcohol is a great lubricant in these situations.
5. Let a friend know where you are going. Date rape and serial killers are a total buzzkill, so make sure you stay safe by letting a friend know who you are meeting and where, leave a contact number and your date’s name + online moniker. Call said friend when you are safe at home.
6. Don’t get trashed. You know you get slutty after three drinks, and there are only so many strangers you should bang in a lifetime. If the date is going well, don’t show him/her what a great time you are having by turning it into a pants off party. Or saying something like “I really want you to be my boyfriend” or other first date inappropriate comments. Keep it to three drinks and end the date to continue on to your fake dinner plans (or real dinner plans, whatever). Note that making out on a first date is super tacky. Don’t do it.
7. Choose your date location wisely. A bar or cafe you are familiar with is the best bet. Avoid going to a sketchy part of town. Under no circumstances should you go to his/her house. Not only is it dangerous, but can also get you in weird situations such as meeting your date’s entire family, while there is a web series being filmed about a rising rap star in the kitchen… Or something.
8. If you had a good time say ‘I had a good time, we should do it again’. Ladies- Do not arrange a follow up date on the spot, eager pants. Wait for him to contact you later to ask you out again. Boys- Do not arrange a follow up date on the spot, eager pants, contact her in the next couple of days to properly ask her out again.
9. What to wear? While you want to look pretty, do not get overly glammed up. Getting overly dressed up is going to make you look like you are going to prom. You want to look casual and effortlessly striking. On that note, remember that heels are a must, and let you fit into many different settings. Remember to look like yourself. I suggest skinny jeans, a loose sweater and some killer shoes. Easy on the black eyeliner.
10. If you do not want a repeat date…Let them know soon. You do not want to get haunted by messages and phone calls by someone who doesn’t interest you. Do not lead them on. Break up with them. I am really bad at this. After my last (and only) online date I changed my phone number and deleted my profile… I am horrible, I know, he probably thinks I died. So I consulted a website that helps you with this…
“If you’ve only been on one or two dates with a particular person, you can pretty much get away with anything in terms of breaking it off. Since you met online, it’s perfectly acceptable to end things via online messaging or email. In fact, it would actually be strange to break things off in-person…since you’ve only met in-person once or twice! Stick with a nice but firm email: “It was so nice to get to know you on our dates, thank you. I think you are a great person but I don’t see us as a match. Best of luck in your search!””
copied from here http://www.examiner.com/article/breaking-up-online-is-not-hard-to-do
Happy dating
Love M.H.