Just letting you know that I am about to enter the great firewall of China and will not be able to post for the next few weeks. I am not forgetting about you, I just can’t access Tumblr.
Keep on Hussyin’
Everybody likes sex.
Hell, a great part of human interaction lies in trying to score.
We go out looking for sex, and when we find someone who we like to bang repeatedly ( and who makes us happy ) we try to keep them around.
In a relationship sex is a key element that determines the lifespan of a couple. If you listen to Dan Savage as much as I do, you know that the problem that comes up over and over for couples is the amount of sex they are having. Their libidos might not match, or one person might prefer it in the morning while the other one in the middle of the night, unexpected illness or stress might be getting in the way of getting laid. Either way, the problem always lies in the amount of sex a couple is having.
When you first fall in lust, it’s easy.
Life is about blowjobs and cupcakes, all daily tasks go on the back burner while spending most of your time with your clothes off is a priority.
And then a couple of years pass by, and then suddenly you are living together, and then your job is stressful, and then you are working long hours. You get home from your crap job and all you want to do is bitch about it to your partner. You are also starving. You prepare dinner and scarf if down, do some laundry, you watch a show together, doze off, wake up in the morning and do it all over again.
It’s a bleak bleak existence.
But it doesn’t have to be.
Here are some tips on how bring the sexy back into your relationship and get on the same page about the amount of jiggy you are having
1. Communication- if the sex in your relationship isn’t enough, you have to tell your partner. If you are nuzzling and pawing at your partner without results, you might have a problem. The worst mistake couples can make is not express their needs verbally. Once the other party knows this, it is up to him or her to put effort into it.
2. Rejection hurts- if you are the one being pawed at, but aren’t in the mood for whatever reason, remember that getting rejected can be very bad for your partner’s ego. Make sure you let your partner down gently, be affectionate, nice and clear.
Also, if YOU really aren’t in the mood there still relatively simple ways for you to get your partner off. All you need is ten minutes and some enthusiasm. So instead of making up excuses on why you don’t want to get jiggy focus on your partner’s needs.
3. Is timing an issue? Is being ravenous when you get home the reason why you don’t want sex? And after dinner, are you too full / tired to move? Here is a simple solution. Have a snack (apples and peanut butter, crackers and cheese, a small salad) and proceed to enjoy your sexy snack while the rice cooks for the main dish. Remember that sometimes a quicky hits the right spot.
May I also suggest a surprise morning session? All it takes is prepping your clothes and packing your lunch the night before!
4. Are you doing it right? Shoving your partner’s hand down your pants or removing your pants while pointing to crotch doesn’t work everytime. Sometimes your partner wants to be wooed. Kiss him/ her in the right places, and entice him/ her seductively.
Never stop sexting! Never stop flirting ( with your partner)! Never stop looking good for him/ her!
Everybody wants to be gotten, and everyone wants to feel wanted.
5. Challenge yourself. You’d be surprised how often you can get ‘in the mood’ even when you don’t think you are. Give yourself a challenge to make out and see if you suddenly feel up to it.
6. Make time- in a long term relationship, life gets in the way and sharing your life with someone can be tricky. Make a conscious effort to schedule (horrible way to describe it) sexytimes into your life. It’s ok if you skip that spinning class, or are a little bit late for drinks with friends. Watch less tv and do less facebooking. It’s totally worth it.
7. Be spontaneous. Twenty minutes before bed, missionary with the lights dimmed agaaaaain?? Boooooooring. Why don’t you explore your house on an exciting sexdventure- do it on the couch, the kitchen floor or in the shower. Bring new positions and / or toys into the game. Role play, use ice cream, tie him/ her up, whatever!
Remember that yours and your lover’s sexual needs can change over time, make sure you are always evolving to meet each other’s desires!
Routine is the devil here, people!
8. Schedule in a proper session. Over time it is easy for your sexlife to be made up of the go-to positions. You might still be having a ‘healthy’ number of sessions (4-5times per week), but if you are merely jerking yourself off using your partner it doesn’t really count. Take a night off or block off Saturday afternoon and spend it on a glorious time consuming multiple orgasm session. Take your time and have fun with your lover! I would say that quality counts over quantity.
There is a special kind of intimate closeness within a couple that has a great sex life. Matching libidos and attraction to one another sure helps, but remember that over time a healthy jiggy life takes time and work. It doesn’t just happen magically! It can, however be magic.
There are also cases where depression, illness, or stress can affect your lover’s libido. During such a time, you need to be emotionally supportive for your partner, while you sexually support yourself. This can be frustrating especially if your partner’s state is indefinite. You might want to consider a conversation where you discuss the expectations and rules for yourselves.
Sexual compatibility is REALLY important in a relationship.
Sexual satisfaction takes practice, so take your pants off and start practicing!
Sexytimes from the Modern Hussy
You’re a grown up now.
You have a job, you join professional circles and attend happy hour events. You take business class when travelling.
These are all great.
And it is fantastic that you can interact with your coworkers (and climb that corporate ladder like the corporate whore you are) in a social setting. But you need to remember one key thing. No matter how well you get along with your peers, and what a great laissez-faire attitude you have in the office… All these events and all these people, they still make up WORK.
So here is how you learn to be a professional party girl (or boy) while still remaining professional.
1. I want you to have fun. And I want you to BE the fun person you are outside of work, but remember that just because a work event includes alcohol and a dj, it doesn’t mean that you are at a rave party. Keep your composure and limit the grindy dance spurts to a minimum. Actually, scratch that- grindy dancing at work functions is never ok. To achieve this, give yourself a three drink maximum and at all costs avoid doing shots. Those spell more American spring break than a professional who should be taken seriously.
2. Your party ways can never interfere with your work. While on a business trip, several of us went out after dinner. The drinks kept coming, but myself and some others retired to our rooms circa midnight, while a small group continued on. Was I jealous of their bonding and stories of exploring the hotel circa 4 am? Of course I was. But they sauntered to our client’s office at 11 am ordered pizza and giggled in the corner like teenagers (they were 40) annoying the rest of us. 4 months later half of those people are no longer at the company. Here is the thing, the office staff loves people who are fun, but the boss will pick the nerdy hard worker everytime. Networking only gets you so far. You have to have the work ethic to back it up.
3. If partying does interfere with your work - ie you attend happy hour industry events that end in a make out with a rando at an after hours, followed by rushing into work the next morning still reeking of cheap Pinot Grigio; you might have a problem. Honestly, if you want to get crunk on your own time, that is technically ok, but I’ll warn you that it’s a small world and your supervisor’s cousin’s boyfriend is probably the bartender who cut you off your last round of tequila shots while the lights were going on at the club… Eventually people will realize that you are not merely under the weather every Thursday morning, but might actually be developing a problem with alcohol. Word gets around so stay classy.
4. Binge drinking has become so acceptable, that it is perfectly ok to sigh into the office 30 min late, with sunglasses on, exclaiming- ‘Gah, I’m SOOOOOO hung over’ and get sympathetic comments of approval from your peers. However, the thing with coworkers is that it is ok to like them, but you shouldn’t necessarily trust them. People are very quick to throw you under the bus if it will benefit them. Don’t be surprised if your less experienced (but better behaved) coworker gets better projects than you. If you become the well known office party girl, people will likely be afraid to depend on you. So keep even the worst hangover to yourself. Or better yet, end your school nights at 1, and go home to vitamin b and a large glass of water.
5. When travelling for work, maintain the same attitude you have in the office. Don’t get trashed on flights, trains, work dinners, or client meetings. Don’t forget that if you are female and work in a predominantly male environment, your tolerance is lower than that of men and that is ok. You can still seem like you are keeping up without passing out on your overpriced business steak.
When taking business flights it is great to enjoy the complimentary champagne that sure beats the vinegary swill they serve in economy. However, drinking on flights dehydrates you to the max and dehydration makes you look like a leather bag.
You don’t want that, do you?
So have a glass of champagne (ok, three), but not seven!
*just wanted to add a disclaimer in here - there is one occasion in my professional career where drinking DID help my work, it involves Chinese factory owners, 2.5% beer and a night after which my Eastern Euro booze drinking ways gained me serious respect; but that is a story for another time ;)
Made With Paper
I was doing some trend research for work.
What better way than to ask the facebook? This particular question had to deal with the kind of music that people in their late teens and early 20s listen to.
The responses I received were a slew of snarky comments by thirty something year olds, letting me know that I should stop hitting on jail bait, asking me if I am not too old to listen to Justin Bieber and telling me that everyone below 26 is only exclusively into dub step. (Etc)
I found this to be a really interesting phenomenon.
The truth is, I have always had a range of friends of different ages. This goes back to my theory that the key to an interesting life is having multiple groups of friends that never meet. It is quite normal that their ages would range, no?
Back on the playground at the tender age of six, I had a four year old minion who did everything I commanded and thought i was the greatest thing since learning how to read. I was also sent on dates with my thirteen year old cousin (who was super important because she had a boyfriend). My cousin would leave me with her friends (to go make out presumably) and they would teach me the latest slang, introduce me to the latest music and generally raised my coolness factor times infinity.
This is where I first learned the benefits of having people of all ages in one’s life.
These days I often tend to hang out with younger people. Hell, most of my friends got married and pregnant, and so I had to get some younger friends who still considered champagne as an acceptable food group.
My mentor (who happens to be in his 60s) says that you get old as soon as you start looking backwards and starting every other sentence with ‘back in the day…’ and ‘Kids these days…’
I have met many people much older than I am who’s young spirit I admire and hope to maintain. I have also met a lot of people my age and younger who age themselves unnecessarily by self pigeon holing into what they THiNK they should be doing or achieving at any given time.
This kind of dangerous behaviour is precisely what will turn you into one of those people who can’t use their phone, since it is too technologically advanced, while riding the glory of their 20s.
Look, I am not telling you that the secret to youth means that you should ignore your responsibilities, or screw up your potential by partying like a teenager, or start acting like Zooey D ‘s character on the New Girl. This is about still dressing your age and frequenting an appropriate scene.
But what I do suggest is injecting some youthful spirit into your life.
Here are some tips:
1. Play in the snow / rain (get dirty. It’s ok)
2. Pet a dog / squeeze a cat (have you ever been able to stay grumpy around them?)
3. Have a dance off (the worse, the better)
4. Wear a shirt w an animal on it (hey, Kenzo did it! It’s no longer an aging librarian thing)
5. Don’t buy grown up plates (most of the things in my kitchen have animal tails, or are a ridiculous colour)
6. Don’t call yourself old (why the fuck would you??)
7. Have a conversation with someone 15 years younger than you are. (And don’t be an asshole about it. They are likely smarter and more open minded than you are)
8. Don’t take yourself so damn seriously (again, why would you do this?)
Enjoy life. And stop being such a grumpy old man.
I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks, because life kind of got in the way (too busy with work during the week and too hungover on the weekends, I totally suck.) Anyhow to make it up to you, I have a very special treat. I almost never post entries by other people (this is MY BLOG), but my dear friend Lusty Lady Cycle has agreed to share with you this excellent (and true) story about her experience with Craigslist from a few years ago. This story is racy and I love it!
Oh ya, probably not safe for work!
A few years ago I had plans to quit my job, pack my things and leave my beloved city for an undetermined amount of time.
At some point, I realized what I wanted to experience before leaving was a clandestine love affair with a woman.
I had accepted I didn’t have enough time for this to happen organically so I did what other sexually curious twenty-somethings do. I posted an ad on craigslist.
Online, I met many women.
The process was exciting.
I felt myself opening up to possibilities I had never imagined. In this process, amongst those messages from gay women, women and their boyfriends and straight women looking for another soft skinned woman to cuddle and explore with, I met Mr. Foot.
Mr.Foot lured me with a simple message outlining his love of feet. He acknowledged he wasn’t a woman and couldn’t offer me what I was looking for – but what he could do, was offer endless foot massages and pedicures with nothing asked of me in return.
As someone who suffers from chronic joint pain in my feet, I was in.
And so started the emails and the text messages, the long phone calls and requests for photos of my shoes. I participated willingly as we laid out the rules, boundaries and expectations.
At no point was I expected to reciprocate sexually or physically. He wanted my feet to be as beat up, rough and unkempt as possible. He wanted to worship them.
In return, he would bring me shoes. Size 9.
We figured each encounter had a price tag, which equaled a pair of shoes or vintage dress (that I would buy myself and he would reimburse me for).
We made plans to meet at my loft.
After several unsuccessful meet up attempts I was ready to throw in the towel, but he was persistent.
Finally, we set a date.
Mr Foot arrived 30 mins late at my run down loft apartment in the seedy part of the city. I sat in my hammock chair that swung from the beams, with him underneath me, eating my toes.
I was a little weirded out so I made him put a towel over his eyes. When it slipped off and I caught him watching me, I slapped him. These tiny dominations seemed to arouse him more.
Slowly, he started to masturbate.
If he lost any connection with my feet, I slapped him again.
I watched him.
I stared at the ceiling.
I picked my nails.
I acted bored but inside, I was freaking out.
The less I paid attention to him and my feet, the more excited he got. Suddenly he stopped. He shyly asked me to get a spoon.
Indifferent, I walked to the kitchen, dragging my feet and returned with a spoon. He pulled up his shirt and continued to jerk off.
What the hell am I doing with this spoon? I wondered.
So I rubbed it on his exposed stomach and tapped his balls with it. Eventually, with enough feet sucking and ball tapping, he came. All over himself, spoon cupping balls, feet in mouth. And then he asked him to feed him his cum.
What the wha? Fine.
I scooped it up with the spoon and I put it in his mouth.
I wasn’t grossed out. Mostly, I was perplexed. Where was my foot rub? Where was my pedicure? WHERE in the hell were my shoes?!? Where were my vintage dresses?!!?!?
He explained his wife had found the shoes and in an effort not to get caught, he gave them to her. He didn’t have the cash on him to pay me for the dresses but he’d bring everything next time.
Mr.Foot left. I went about my night knowing I would never see him again.
Mr. Foot had come to my house, French kissed my feet, jerked off, had me feed him and offered me nothing of the promised things we had agreed to. He continued to message me for weeks after and wanted to meet up but I refused.
Even though I didn’t have to ‘do’ anything, he hadn’t honoured his part of the deal. I also didn’t have time to wait around for someone who may or may not show up. So, I declined his future requests.
Two days before I departed for my adventure, Mr.Foot called. He apologized and offered to pay me what he owed me. Touched, I agreed and said he could meet me at the corner of A and B to hand it over. Mr.Foot requested me meet at my apartment for one last session.
I hung up.
Recently, after many years away adventuring, I’ve returned to my beloved city to settle down with a partner I love, an amazing job, friends and family I missed dearly.
What I didn’t miss or expect, was to see Mr.Foot on the metro platform. With his wife. I couldn’t stop staring. I dared him with my glare, challenging him to look back. I knew he’d seen me.
While Mr.Foot taught me a few valuable lessons about sexual encounters, what I realized truly, is the importance of communication and honesty in all relationships.
And, I love a good foot massage more than French toe kissing.
Made With Paper
You know when you date a sea of asshole weirdos and then meet someone who makes you laugh and gets you and is ridiculously attractive and nice and smart and LIKES YOU BACK all the same ways?
You spend the first three weeks of knowing one another together non-stop. Dates turn into three day sleepovers, you get more jiggy than you have all last year, you spend hours gazing at one another while The National plays in the background, you call into work sick three times in two weeks and almost forget what it’s like to wear pants.
Finally, when you realize you are in desperate need of doing laundry and some alone time you come crashing down hardcore massive, sober up for a second, and after a twenty four hour sex withdrawal can’t help but wonder if it was too soon to give that stranger your keys.
What’s his / her last name again?
So here is Modern Hussy’s list of too soon behaviour in a zygote of a relationship (anything under 4 weeks)
1. It is too soon to give him / her your keys.
2. It is too soon to cross a border together
3. It is too soon to drop the L-bomb
4. It is too soon to plan a vacation 6 months from present date
5. It is too soon to meet his / her parents
6. It is too soon to be Facebook friends (unless you were already before you started banging)
7. It is too soon to change your relationship status
8. It is too soon to cancel your OkCupid account. (But you should probably stop checking it)
9. It is too soon to make him / her your emergency contact at the doctor’s office
10. It is too soon to make a sex tape (you slut).
11. It is too soon to get tattooed together.
12. It is definitely too soon to have unprotected sex.
13. It is too soon to attend an orgy together, unless of course that is your scene.
14. It is too soon to give him / her free reign of your friends
15. it is too soon to give him / her your debit card pin.
This is just an estimate of things that could probably happen in the scenario I described at the start of this post.
Many things could still go wrong, and if you are not careful, or a bad judge of character, you could end up locked out of your place with an STI, banned from entering the EU, with your sex tape on an amateur porn site, with no friends.
Or even worse, you could realize that you started dating someone who was a total emotional slut, and does this to everyone he / she dates before losing interest and moving on to new pastures.
You could also realize that you yourself are an emotional slut and can’t function in society unless your existence is validated by another human being.
People are assholes. Don’t trust just anyone.
But I did not want to end it on a sour note.
Actually, I wanted you to know that while these rules are a handy checklist, but when you meet the right person most of them can go out the window (except for 10, 12, 13, and 15).
Be careful and don’t trust just anyone, but when you meet a great catch, just enjoy it and let it wash over you like a wave.
Who knows what will happen?
due to some emotional terrorism, Easto parent guilt, much required yoga classes and a looming deadline this week’s post will be a little bit late. It is in progress and it is a good one