modern hussy's etiquette

Conflict between lovers is very common.

No two brains are alike and everyone has an opinion.

Environmental factors add to the mix, as people are affected by weather, sleeping patterns and the moon (we all know that’s true). This often creates friction between individuals driving them to argue. Conflict itself is not a bad thing. Any relationship that is built only on cupcakes and blowjobs is actually dangerous, as the people involved have absolutely no idea how to resolve a fight. While it is good to be happy and get along, the strength of a relationship can be measured based on conflict resolution.

Like in any sport there are clean players and dirty players, good tactics and bad ones. See the Modern Hussy’s etiquette to a clean positive fight.

1. Don’t forget that even though you are angry at the moment, you are still on the same team.

2. Physical violence is never the answer.

3. Neither is screaming, yelling or throwing things.

4. Attack the issue at hand, not your opponent. AKA don’t call him or her names. Deal with the problem.

5. Try and take a time out to collect your thoughts before going in with more fire. Ask yourself what are you actually trying to accomplish.

6. As mentioned in previous posts, ask yourself  ‘Is this going to matter in a year?’

7. Make sure you recognize environmental factors, which might be affecting your mood. Are you sleep deprived? Did you do shots of tequila at 4 am and are you on a post rager hangover? Is this a low blood sugar situation and do you need to mash a banana in your face? Are you PMSing? If you have answered ‘yes’ to any of the above, it is likely that your argument is highly affected by these factors.  

Retreat ! Retreat!

This might be one of those cases where you are throwing a fit you will feel really stupid about later.

8. Bargain! Know that you can’t always get your way, but recognize that in a relationship you should give and receive. For instance, know that giving up a shoe display wall at the entrance of your apartment is well worth vetoing him from hanging up posters of horror movies.

9. Lose the ego. Admitting that you are wrong doesn’t make you weak. It’s a partnership, so win some, but let your S.O. win some too.  Sometimes you need to be prepared to take one for the team and be the logical, understanding one.

10. Don’t hold a grudge.  If your partner reaches out, don’t walk away in a huff. Go over there and demand a make up make out.

Have Fun Making Up! 

*Disclaimer: after having read all that I hope that you can differentiate between a healthy argument, or occasional hissy fit and a dysfunctional relationship.  Arguing constantly is NOT normal, nor should it be written off as a passionate love.  Passion should be expressed by ripping one another’s clothes off, or a forceful make out against a wall, not tears and unhappiness.   

We all know it, we all do it.

Passive aggression is a horrible monster that rears it’s ugly head everytime we feel misunderstood or hurt but don’t have the balls or common sense to speak about it with our friends or lovers.

Passive aggression is futile because not only does it not work, you always end up losing in the end.

It’s kind of like the equivalent of girls faking orgasms. It results in repeatedly being in uncomfortable and awkward situations.

Let me give you an example of how passive aggressive behaviour  has failed me in the past.

 Example 1: Some years ago I realized that I was the only one taking the garbage out at the house. To teach my roommates a lesson I stopped doing it to see how long it would take them to take care of the mess.

Result: my roommates did not care. Living in a house that reeked of rotting food and throwing things into a very clearly overflowing bin did not seem to be a big deal to them. They let it stand for so long that by the time I eventually did take it out, there was a fresh, perfectly repulsive family of maggots living at the bottom of the bin. In an act of fury and disgust I drowned the maggots in Javex and ended up spilling bleach on my new favorite pants.

Passive aggression : 1 / Modern Hussy: 0

Example 2: Fast forward a few years to a recent episode. My roommate and I had a deal to take turns purchasing coffee and milk. This system worked very well and there was always coffee in the house… Until one time, when the roommate was very busy with work and didn’t get any coffee. ‘No big deal’ I thought and purchased another half kilo. After we went through that, I patiently waited for a couple of days for him to get more beans.

Nothing.

I decided to drink green tea for a bit, in case he forgot or had not had a chance to go to the store.

Still no coffee.

‘How inconsiderate’ I thought, and decided to make a point by not buying it.

Result: A month later I had spent five times as much money getting 5$ coffee in pretentious cafes, and our house remained caffeine free…. Or so I thought. One Saturday morning I awoke to the glorious sounds of the grinder! Finally!! My point has been made! I sauntered into the kitchen to make myself a long deserved cup… Only to find the grinder empty, and the beans nowhere to be found…

My roommate had started keeping secret coffee!!!!

Did he forget that the last two bags were bought by me? Did he decide he didn’t want to share coffee anymore? Did he just get a bag of Kopi Luwak coffee as a gift from a friend who recently vacationed in Indonesia?

I guess I will never know.

Passive aggression : 2 / Modern Hussy: 0

I feel like boys are better at this kind of stuff than girls. Girls overly analyze, discuss the events with all their friends, don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and passive aggressively blog about it.  

Boys on the other hand will say ‘Dickwad, it’s your turn to get coffee’ (or butter, or beer, or WHATever) and all will be okay in the world.

So as of this week, I have decided that I don’t speak passive aggressive, and will get into the mindstate of a frat boy- just say the things that are on my mind.

Open communication is a good thing!

Spring is upon us. Jackets are getting shorter, clothing lighter, and girls are parading out of the house wearing fewer layers.

 In an ideal world, this should be a happy time. In reality, it signifies the start of tremendously poorly selected fashion. I am not sure when girls decided that liquid jeggings were an acceptable form of pant, welcomed in the workplace. Call them hot pants, call them leggings, jeggings, whatever, they are all the same. I see girls every single day pairing these monstrosities with a short jacket and Frye boot knock offs, the overall effect making them look like school on Sunday (no class).

I really wish that women had more self criticism (or an eastern European mother) to be able to judge when their outfit looks unappetizing.

I find that even the hottest of chicks have a hard time pulling this look off, as it really is unflattering. It highlights every imperfection one has, and puts one at risk of camel toe.

Gaaaaaaaahhghhhh why would anyone want to rock this?

Additionally I have seen women with their jeggings sagging in the knee area, worn out to see-through-ness in the bum area, and generally fitting so poorly that they end up looking like an extra from ‘Grease’ the musical, plus sized version. Please note that I am not specifically targeting larger sizes in this rant as liquid jeggings make everyone look dumpy and unfit.

Additionally, I am not sure how this is still In fashion. I used to rock liquid American Apparel leggings under a long sweater or tunic circa 2008. How has this fashion trend become a more hideous version of itself four years later????

Beyond me.

Is it because men have gotten incredibly lazy and they need to see vagina contours before making a move? Am I totally out of touch?

After having read all that if you are still unsure, please see below a quick questionnaire to help you determine if you should be wearing liquid jeggings:

1.     Are you going to work?

Yes? Do not wear liquid jeggings you look unappetizing

No? Still think twice before putting your jeggings on, and proceed only if you have something covering your ass

 2. When holding your jeggings up to light can you see through?

Yes? Do not wear liquid jeggings you look like shit and no one wants to see flesh . You are indecent.

3. do you look like Olivia Newton John in grease the movie -aka do you weight about 40 kilos soaking wet?

Yes? You have far bigger problems than fashion. You should be spending your time eating as many sandwiches as possible until you stop looking emaciated. No? Do not put on your jeggings you look unappettizing.

4- are you doing any of the following: heavy duty housecleaning, après skiing, sleeping in a tent, day time napping?

Yes? Jeggings are an acceptable form of pant

No? Take those ridiculous things off you look unappetizing.

Thank you.

Just for the record, as soon as I finished writing this post (on my morning commute) I saw a girl in 3/4 length American Apparel lame’ green leggings with an oversized tshirt, fluo sneakers and accessories  and giant sunglasses looking like she just stepped out of a dancehall video circa 2003 and I loved her.  But she covered her ass AND she rocked it.

Today’s topic is based on a question asked by one of my readers.

Do you feel like you are constantly chasing your tail? Like you are not really advancing in life? Like you are doing the same stuff day in and day out and like you haven’t accomplished a thing in life?  Are you constantly comparing yourself to your friends and wishing that you had their job, boyfriend, luscious ponytail or buns of steel?

Do you make pacts with yourself stating that you will be better, more focused, smarter, work out more, eat less gluten, make more money, drink less coffee, bake muffins for coworkers, watch more documentaries, sit on your ass less and shortly win a Nobel prize for something truly amazing?

Do you wonder how you ended up living in a frat house with two dudes and two cats, don’t actually own any furniture, are kinda broke all of the time and barely have time to shower in the morning?  All this while your friends are off marrying doctors, flying to exotic locations for the weekend, making adorable babies and succeeding at everything they touch?

I sure do.

It is so strange how no matter how much one has accomplished it never seems like enough. It seems that others have easier lives, have made smarter choices, seem to have more hours in the day and are at the right place in life for their age. 

These kinds of thoughts are extremely toxic and I try to make a point of stopping them, before they spiral out of control, leaving me depressed and discouraged. 

Please note that checking in with the status of those around you to see how you are doing is a good thing and can be used as a fantastic motivator.  The alternative- envy or jealousy – is a horrible way of dealing with this state of mind. 

When feeling inadequate or useless, keep in mind the following

1.   Someone you know is thinking that your life is superior to their life at this exact moment.  They probably envy the fact that you have no responsibilities and that every day of your life feels like teenage summer.
2.   It is really easy to be extremely self critical.  Instead of looking at the things you have not done, make a list of the ones you have.  Having one of the members of the Wu Tang sign my boobs might not be a status symbol, but it sure makes my life stories amazing
3.   If you feel stuck / miserable in a job, relationship, housing situation change something.  Quit your job, dump your S.O., move out or beg one of your friends to let you couchsurf till conditions improve.  There will be other jobs, other lovers, and other apartments.  Change one thing, and watch the others fall into place.
4.  Things might have to get worse before they improve.  So you might get slightly more in debt or feel lonely for a little while longer, but you gotta keep on trucking and keep focus of your goals.
5.  Remember that money- while it does give you certain freedoms- is not everything.
6.  Make a list of all the things you want.  Picture yourself in the life you want. You gotta fake it till you make it. 
7.  Mentally tell yourself you are awesome everyday.
8.  Stop drinking whiskey, start exercising. Declutter your room and make your bed everyday.  Feel good and life will be good.
9.  Don’t give up. If work seems to be going to shit and you feel like you are sucking, try harder, work some overtime, learn something valuable, suck up to the right seniors.
10. Be realistic.  There are certain things that you can change (like financial situation or marital status) and some you cannot (like your height or ability to do math).
11. Know that wherever you are at any given moment, is exactly where you should be.  Life just works out like that. So even if you feel like you are far behind all your friends, you really are not.  You are just doing the things that are right for YOU.

Enjoy life! It’s fun!

One day you are making out in an alcove next to your favourite bar with a cute boy and the next thing you know, he is moving in!

EEEEEEEEE!

When you find that special someone who makes you laugh so hard that you almost pee yourself and who also makes you weak at the knees, it is a good idea to test out life togetherness by sharing a space to see if you can coexist. 

This is a petrifying idea that often ruins relationships, so I have collected tips from (super awesome and amazingly wise) readers who do live with their SO’s, to ease the transition from living alone or with roommates, to living with a sexy roommate.  Enjoy!

1. Make it look like “your” place. not “his” or “hers”. Buy furniture together and let him take his ugly favorite chair or his zombie movie posters … and remember you have some stuff he finds super ugly and unnecessary too (like 368 pairs of shoes).

2. Try to set up a corner where you can withdraw- or just move back into a city where you can afford a BIG place and have a whole room for yourself ;)

3. Do not only hang with your significant other.  If you ignore your friends, you’re a cunt.  Have a life outside of your common law relationship. Morphing into a total bubble of annoying emo barf is great, but you need to come up for air and give love to your other friends too

4. Schedule proper date nights. Sex or watching a movie at home does not count.

5. Have dinner (or other meals) with the television off 90% of the time.

6. Divide chores by who likes to do what. Of course, like all good rules there are exceptions. And if you both hate doing everything, divide chores by who hates each chore the least.

7. Ban farting. (Please note, it turns out that farting can be hard to ban.)

8. Make sure your hangout comfy clothes are attractive. Leggings, cozy sweaters, short-short onesies. If you have the tits for it, hang out braless. This is totally the time to purge your underwear drawer. (for tips on your underoos, please refer to this post.

9. Be romantic - leave notes, make his/hers favourite pie, buy his/hers favourite cookies, whatever. My friend hides a chocolate egg for his lady every day and it delights her every time she finds it.

10. Girls, keep a little mystery about what really goes on in the bathroom. For further tips on this refer back to remaining a creature of mystery always!!! 

11. Spend a lot of time naked.

12. Just ask yourself “is this going to matter in a year”… Before throwing any hissy fits

13. But a every now and then a healthy irrational hissy fit is ok occasionally if it means you get to have make up sex….

14. know what to hang up and what to put the in dryer.

15. Build in to your budget money for edible nipple tassels (or stove repairs). Money stresses are a relationship killer so it’s important to factor in these costs that might otherwise fly under the radar.

16. If you can afford it, get a cleaner. You can blame him/her for everything that is lost/broken/misplaced/dirty which avoids lots of arguments (on a side note-unfortunately my request for a topless maid was axed due to cost issues… why do people have to be so logical?)

17. Historically dishwashers have saved many marriages

18. Find out what each other’s pet peeves are and honour avoiding them. I fly into a blind rage when someone queezes the toothpaste out of the middle of the toothpaste tube. I am also very particular about the way peppers have to be cut.

19. See if you can stagger working hours a bit in the am so you keep some of the mystery and so you’re not bumping into each other while you floss/curl your eye lashes.

20. You stilll need to be a WHOLE person so have a life outside the relationship and some personal space in the house

21. Make time to hang out.  When you live together, it’s easy to take each other’s company for granted.  So go on a date, ride bikes or walk your neighbour’s fucking dog.  Watching tv and sex don’t count.

22. Have loads of fun!  Moving in together does not mean you should be turning into a bitter responsible adult. Be silly, get into a food fight (hopefully the day before the cleaning lady comes), laugh till you cry, let go of grudges, and make out a lot!

Lots of Luck from the Modern Hussy!