modern hussy's etiquette

Here is a repost for something highly appropriate for the season:

On Being Inappropriate at your Company’s Christmas Party

Luv, Modern Hussy

If you follow my twitter you may have realized that I have recently gotten a corporate whore gig.
Gone are the days of sleeping till noon , wearing short shorts to the office which is located 4 meters away from my bed, and gone are the days of jumping on a plane and jetting off to wherever at whim.
This was a conscious decision I made because of my thirst for knowledge, a need to show off my fabulous shoe collection AND because I felt it was about time to introduce some stability into my life- living out of a suitcase stops being fun after 2 years and I did it for a LOT longer. I got a seemingly ‘dream ’ job at a fast growing company expecting it to be the best thing since miniperf buttery leather jackets.
I have been having a pretty hard time with it though.
It’s not the early waking up (although yes, that does put a damper on my night hussying), and it’s not the long commute (I catch up on blogs and podcasts) … It’s the vibe and the high school ‘no one gets me’ feel.
I pictured a dynamic environment with alternative personalities, jiving in a creative space… But instead, I’m the weird ‘quirky’ girl -I don’t see how wearing rainbow coloured shoes is weird- I have too many ‘ideas’ -like making a computerized record of our files as opposed to physically cutting and gluing squares of paper together- and am constantly being told that my designs are too ‘euro’- which I take as a compliment, even though I have a feeling the people in my department think I am mildly retarded.
It’s just not working.
My natural reaction to such feelings is to leave the country, a formula which has worked wonders for me over the years. I had to use all my willpower last week to not apply for a fabulous dream job in a Scandinavian country. Sighhhhhh.
After whining and complaining to anyone who would listen I finally decided that I need to stick with my plan to stay in one place for longer than a minute and give my current situation a chance.
Then, once I gain power and the corporation realizes that they can’t live without me I can start changing things and getting my way.
It’s hard. I am stuck taking orders from people who can’t spell or use a computer mouse, I have to give up most of my ‘quirky’ outfits and minimize sneaker wear, I have to start being social and stop cracking self deprecating jokes…I am participating in team building activities like volunteering and bake sales; I have to start paying attention in financial performance meetings, instead of using that time to daydream about getting jiggy. I have to participate in endless discussions on trends that don’t actually go anywhere; and i have to sub swearing for saying ‘miu miu’ and ‘it’s SO Givenchy, circa 2001’ every other sentence.
Welcome to my life as a corporate whore.
All complaints aside, I actually know that I am learning lots and just hope that I can eventually do well. And I am not changing who I am… I am just…disguising it.
If u see me on the weekend I will still more than likely be wearing something ridiculous and likely taking my top off.
And in the meantime I will be putting extra lard in my baked goods for the fundraiser for all those skinny fashion bitches!

 Dating is fun.

Sharing time w a significant other or lover can make for some of the most awesome times which can make a girl feel like the ultimate unicorn.

Lying around in bed in your cutest grade a undies, giggling like loons and talking in ways that would make any passerby vomit is pretty awesome. You know when you feel like you could share just about anything with your lover???

Well, there are certain things you should NEVER share.

If you want to maintain your ultimate goddess status in the eyes of your S.O. you have got to learn how to remain a creature of mystery. There are some things that girls do awkwardly or embarrasingly which are adorable to boys, but there are other things which will kill all romance faster than you can say Tom Cruise (I really hate that guy). Please note that I do not think you should act fake or pretend to be someone else, I am merely stating that you need to keep some of your behaviours to yourself .

1. You should never let a dude see your entire getting primped routine. Shaving your legs, picking at things on your feet and plucking hairs from weird places= to be done behind closed doors. Things that make dudes stare at us with longing are applying moisturizer, hairbrushing, putting on make up (very sexy)

2. Clipping your toe nails is to definitely be done in private. Meanwhile, filing and painting your fingernails is totally enticing.

3. Farting or pooping in front of your lover is a definite no-no. Yes, obviously everybody poops and gets gassy sometime. But if you start lighting your farts on fire you have pretty much entered ‘bro’ status and your lover will probably start getting attracted to another pretty thing who doesn’t smell like farts.

I think that’s pretty much it. All other situations are cool and you just need to figure out what your S.O. is into. For instance, some boys adore girls who wear boycut undies while others find this similar to making out with a 12 yr old boy.

Figure out what turns your partner on and milk it. You know those instances where you do something and you pretend you don’t know your lover is watching but you are highly aware of how hot you look?

Find as many of those as possible.

Remaining a creature of mystery WILL ensure that your relationship stays hot!

Most important things are often said via SMS.

People do not have time to talk on the phone anymore, and sending a text message allows one to think about how to reply in the best way possible.

SMS’s seem to be less intrusive than a phone call yet more personal than a face book post. Personally, I prefer to do the majority of my communication via SMS. If a dude I just met calls me, I probably won’t answer, since I probably gave him my number while intoxicated and am not ready for voice action. If he messages me with witty banter and can spell, I am far more likely to engage in a technological flirtation.

SMS has expanded our communication in so many ways, but today I wanted to talk about only one aspect: sexting.

Sexting is a great way of sharing short naughty thoughts with your significant other or your lover. It can be a great break in your boring day, make u feel good about yourself or be used as foreplay . Best of all, it can be done anywhere and anytime.

People take smoking breaks, I take sexting breaks.

When engaging in such activity, please make sure that you follow the Modern Hussy’s sexting etiquette. Keep in mind that when done incorrectly, sexting can go terribly wrong.

1. Always make sure you are sexting the right contact. Sending ‘I want u in my pants’ to your boss can result in trouble and embarrassment.

2. Autocorrect can be a bitch, so do read over your message before sending to make sure it is at it’s sexiest. The last thing you want is for your phone to change ‘horny’ to ‘swampy’ or something.

3. If sexting with numerous partners follow rules 1 and 2 to ensure continuity in your convo.

4. Anything written can be used against you so don’t throw your dirty thoughts at just anyone. Establish trust before you sext!

5. One of the best part of sexting is that you can do it from anywhere.  When sexting in public make sure you remain aware of your surroundings or you will miss your stop / get ran over by a car.

6. Wording: try not to be too filthy. Sending sexy and Fun messages adds excitement to a future encounter in person; but crudely describing specifics is totally next level.

7. With the above said, throwing in some dirty talk never hurts, but make sure you know your audience. Don’t start talking bondage if your partner is only into vanilla sex. Sticking to ‘a walk down memory lane’ is a safe precaution.

8. If you sext someone and they ignore it, you should probably stop. Force sexting is offensive. As the recipient of a sext, try and answer within a reasonable time, circumstances permitting. Not sexting back can make your partner feel unrequited.

9. Attachments: boys, do NOT send girls photos of your junk. We don’t like it. Girls: boys love seeing photos of our junk, but I highly recommend photographing a more photogenic and less risky body part such as your cleavage / boobs . Depending on how much you are exposing I would recommend thinking twice before you include your face. The idea is to look sexy / naughty and not like the ads for Russian brides in the back of the free paper.

10 . Keep your sexts to yourself. Don’t show your friends, and don’t get your friends to help you write them.  This is not a technological gang bang!

Have fun! Sexting can keep lovers who are super far away thinking about you all day long and that’s awesome!