modern hussy's etiquette

My dear readers (I know for a fact there is at least 15 of you now) welcome to the first of, what I am sure will be a whole slew of appropriate clothing related entries.  Since Summer is slowly dwindling off and we are experiencing the first flirtations of Autumn, I wanted to write about a pretty Summer related topic which has been driving me bonkers all season.

Short shorts.

Jorts, Retro Running, silky bloomers, or even cotton shorts, call them what you want- I love them. LOVE LOVE LOVE them.  The minute it gets even remotely warm outside I ditch the ever oppressing pants and prance myself right into my beloved short shorts.  I own many. And I love them all equally.  This season we saw hemlines getting shorter and girls rocking them getting more inappropriate looking.  While I adore short shorts, I recognize that there is a time and a place for them (such as the beach), and that they need to be paired with just the right outfit.  

Your size: I do not think everyone needs to be ridiculo skinny. Although anyone who knows me knows that I covet heroin chic as my absolutely most favourite time in fashion, I think that people can be any size they want, if they know how to dress in a way which flatters their body shape.  I know some gorgeous women of all shapes and sizes who know exactly what to show and what NOT to show.  They are sexy and awesome and do not jump on the latest trend if it will not flatter the way they look.

This summer I saw so much.. flesh…. Gahhh….Honestly, who are these girls with way too much self esteem for how they look, walking around practically in underwear with cellulite and pale thighs overtaking the entire image.  Oh yes, that fedora hat you paired with your UNDERWEAR looks amazing in the middle of the city.  Yes, shake that flesh, absolutely devoid of any tone and muscle a little more.  I see what you were trying to achieve, however the Kate Moss at music festival look should be rocked by some…. And not others.

Note: if you have some extra flab on you, try and define it a bit and expose it to the sun before you expose yourself to everyone downtown. May I suggest a set of squats or two?  Now repeat for about 6 months and then put your jorts on.

Length.  They are called short shorts for a reason, but if I see your butt cheeks they are only ok for the beach even if your glutes have the perfect firm apple bottom shape.  I saw many girls sporting these denim panties in the oddest of places, such as the airport, the trolley or the ghetto coffee place down the street (the one with really filthy chairs).  This is mostly a question of hygiene.  I would NEVER want to put naked flesh on public property. It’s unappetizing.

Matching. It goes like this: if you have something small on the bottom, you compensate by putting on something bigger on top.  So short shorts, with loose top, and heels is totally ok.  Short shorts with tube top and boots, makes you look like an extra from Jersey Shore.  And you wonder why you felt objectified while vacationing in Italy….    

I hope this reaches you in time to still put together a great summer outfit, and if not, I will just have to repost it next spring. 

“It’s so beautifully arranged on the plate — you know someone’s fingers have been all over it.” Julia Child

As a follow up to last week’s entry, please see the other side of the story:

General Guidelines for Hosts:

1. Do not stick your grubby fingers into the food. If something needs to be arranged by hand, wash!!!
2. If tasting the food, do it with a separate spoon that you never again put in the pot. Ok…. this stuff should be common hygiene and should have been instilled in you when you were in the second grade. Let’s talk about etiquette….
3. Do not force food on people.  Yes, we get it, you are proud of your consumable creations and you own a very small fridge, but you don’t want your guests leaving with their heads hanging in shame as they mutter ‘I can’t believe I ate the whole thing….’.  If you are plating for your guests, make sensible portions with options for seconds.
4. Make sure you offer non alcoholic beverages.  This is often forgotten in our wine loving society, and as much as I enjoy a good wine buzz I always appreciate alternative beverages.  I have recently started dabbling in Ginger Ice Teas, fresh juices and yummy refreshing sparkling waters infused with fresh mint and berries.  These are perfect for dinner parties and will help keep your guests hydrated. 
5. When inviting your pals, make sure you ask about allergies and dietary requirements.  The last thing you want is to have to stick an Epipen into one of your guests halfway through dessert.  You also want to take your vegetarians and flexetarians into consideration.  Personally I prep a vegetarian option for my animal loving friends, but this is not necessary as long as your meal is still a meal without the meat part (as in, do not serve your friends potatoes only).
6. Try and prepare most of your food before the guests arrive.  The point of the evening is for all of you to hang out and enjoy each other’s company, not for you to be in the kitchen the entire time.  Your appetizers should be ready in advance, and if you time your mains well, you can enjoy most of the evening socializing.  I often suggest making something that cooks in the oven.  Just don’t forget to set an alarm to let you know the meal is ready (I have almost burned the house down several times). 
7. Pick a menu that is appropriate for your skill level.  Do not attempt flaming shrimp contraptions, if, in the past you have only made pasta.  When making dinner, it is good to try something new, but only if you feel comfortable with the recipe.  I suggest sticking to things you know, for the most part. 
8. Know your audience.  We can assume the following: most people dig carbs stuffed with cheese, and most people love anything wrapped in bacon.  Do not try and feed your guests blood pudding, intestine soup or anything that might scare them, unless you are hosting a bunch of Eastos.
9. Easy on the spice.  I enjoy foods that practically make me cry, but this is not what everyone likes.  You can always make an optional side sauce that fire loving friends can add to their plate.     
10. DO NOT charge your guests for dinner, you idiots.  Yes, this has actually happened. My friend J, attended a dinner party where at the end of it someone stood up and announced ‘our hostess really worked her butt off to prepare this lovely meal, and I think she deserves a big thank you’, after which they passed around a hat collecting money to help pay for the meal! J was shocked and appalled. Another friend used to live with roommates, one of whom enjoyed cooking and would prepare meals for the house.  However, the next day, all inhabitants would find pieces of paper slipped under their door that said ‘you owe me 12.50$ for last night’s dinner.’ SERIOUSLY?  If you are going to have a dinner party, you are taking on full monetary responsibility.  If you cannot afford to serve your friends Kobe beef, make something sensible.  It does not have to be expansive to host, especially if your guests followed ‘general guidelines for guests’ and all brought some wine. 

*additional note for guests, if your host(ess) tries to charge you for dinner I suggest defriending her or him immediately.     

Happy Hosting!

I have been thinking more and more about dinner parties.  I like to entertain, but cooking is how I show my love to others. This means, I do NOT cook for randos, and I take my dinner parties seriously.  I am often appalled at the behaviour of dinner guests and hosts (my friends excluded, of course).  The following post will be composed of two parts.  This week, we will look at general guidelines for guests and next week, general guidelines for hosts. 

General Guidelines for Guests

1. Do not say you will just drop in, your host has invited you and expects you to attend within half an hour of the invitation time. Coming later and ‘eating something off the stove’ is unacceptable. On the same note, do not be more than 45 min late. If the invite is for 17:00, be there between 17:15 and 17:30.
2. Do not bring beer (unless specifically requested).  This is NOT a high school BYOB party. Ring the host(ess) to ask if you should bring red or white wine.  If she/he says ‘don’t bring anything’ still bring wine- a simple pinot noir or sauvignon blanc is generic and even if it does not go with the food it can be a gift for the house. A small hostess gift (such as a flower, or wine bottle) is always a pleasant touch.
3. If, for some reason, you did bring beer, do NOT take it back. Under any circumstances. If you do not understand why, you should not be reading this blog.
4. DO NOT BRING ANY FOOD.  You have been asked to attend a dinner. Your host(ess) is planning out a menu and probably has a vision for the evening. Bringing your own food shows a lack of trust in your host(ess) and may screw up the flow. Imagine, bringing chips and salsa to a sushi party, or the forever feared meat balls your mom made… suddenly a well planned out dinner party, starts feeling like a potluck. If you do not know how I feel about those, read entry on Potlucks from July 19th.
5. do NOT ring the host(ess) at any point before the event to ask if you can ’bring someone’.  You have been specifically invited and you should feel honoured.  It can be very stressful for your host(ess) to suddenly have to rethink quantities, plating, sitting arrangements, etc., just because you picked up a random goth at some warehouse party and think you two have a future. 
6. If, at the time of the invite you know you will have visitors, refuse politely, by saying ‘I would love to attend, however, my cousin and his fiancée will be staying with me that weekend….’, pause slightly and wait for the host(ess) to invite all of you.  If the invitation does not come, you are not going.
7. Dress appropriately.  No, this is not a formal event, BUT wearing Velcro sandals,   zip off pants, last night’s club outfit, a track suit or your pyjamas is highly inappropriate.
8. If you need to cancel do so at least 24 hours in advance.  This gives the host(ess) enough time to reach into the B-list guest list and ensures that he/she does not end up with and extra half kilo of okra (or whatever). 
9.  Taking a bite of your food, then chain smoking over it due to your eating disorder is so 2001. When being served, ask for a smaller helping and, if needed, purge later when you get home.  
10. Don’t get shitfaced.  Mushroom risotto only looks appetizing going in.  The host(ess) should offer non alcoholic beverages, however if those are not available, ask for a glass of water in between wine glasses.  Being the life of the party is totally desirable, but passing out in the toilet or bedroom is shameful. 

And now, you can be the perfect dinner guest.  Enjoy!

*disclaimer.  I seem to be getting a lot of feedback on the beer comment by beer lovers. Don’t get me wrong, I am not anti beer (even tho I rarely drink it, being more partial to OTHER bubbly drinks), however I believe that it is a beverage more suited for a BBQ or a day at the beach, rather than dinner.

“Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lighting that does the work”, Mark Twain 

We all know that you are a special and unique creature so different than the norm that the world should hail your special skills and every one should be interested.  Your mom always did tell you that your acrylic paintings of Venetian masks reveal your sensitive side (yet she has not put them up since you were in the 2^nd grade). 

Now, when entering a potentially romantic relationship there is a time one should wait to reveal their special talents to their object of interest.  While using sex as an ice breaker is acceptable in certain situations, one should never whip out their artist side on the first date, or earlier. 

Why?

Well, in a relationship we are trained to be interested in our significant other’s special skills. Sometimes this allows us to be exposed to a completely new scene or type of entertainment (like kite surfing or the roller derby).  This strengthens our coupleness and lets us experience new things.  However, sometimes one is not as talented as one would like to think and while our partner thinks that the emo poetry about one’s cat is adorable, they only think so because they have fallen for the other wonderful qualities first.

Let me give you an example. 

I once (briefly) dabbled in online dating and any dude who could play the guitar intrigued me further (nothing better than good guitar players…). 

I will preface this story with the disclaimer that I was raised on music.  I was sent to music school from a very early age, have dabbled in several instruments and was only allowed to listen to classical for the greater part of my youth (I used to hide my 2LiveCrew cassettes in the mattress, but that is a different topic). As a result of this, I have a pretty good ear for instruments and can judge a person’s skills in the blink of an eye.  So, the male in question, and I exchanged a couple of emails and I liked what he wrote. He then mentioned that he was in a band, which definitely scored him some points.  Then, before we had met, he sent me zip file after zip file of his band’s music. I eagerly downloaded the first song and turned up the sound… with the first strumming of a BADLY TUNED GUITAR my interest died as did any chance of him getting into my pants.

You think that is too harsh? I don’t.  How good of a potential partner can be a dude who doesn’t even bother to tune his guitar before a recording session?… or maybe he couldn’t hear that it was out of tune, I can’t possibly date someone who puts out bad music!!! He might fall in love with me and write some out of tune crap ballad that I will be forced to get jiggy to.  Furthermore, he obviously thinks this stuff is amazing, if he is sending it off to a girl he has never met.  Yes, I judged, and then completely wrote him off.

It’s a cruel world out there, people are scared of weirdos and are quick to judge.  Revealing too many of your talents too early is the equivalent of being emotionally slutty.  You can make an impression by just being your fabulous self!  So in the future, don’t write your new s.o. a poem, keep your creepy doll collection and your scrapbooking and your installation art for AT LEAST the third date (even if you are 100% convinced that they are really really really really good). Have some decency!          

Sorry, my three readers, but due to some travels where internet was not readily available (yes, the Modern Hussy likes to vacation sans technology) I was not able to post an entry this week. Instead here is an excerpt from one of the books I like to read on trains sometimes….. ‘Franny and Zooey’ by J.D. Sallinger. (page 25,26)  The way Franny describes the kids who are at her bf’s college is exactly the same way I feel about most people.   

…..Listen, don’t hate me because I can’t remember some person immediately.  Especially when they look like everybody, and talk and dress and act like everybody else. ” Franny made her voice stop.  it sounded to her cavilling and bitchy, and she felt a wave of self hatred that, quite literally, made her forehead begin to perspire again.  But her voice picked up again, despite herself. “I don’t mean there is anything horrible about him or anything like that. It’s just that for four solid years I kept seeing Wally Campbells wherever I go. I know when they’re going to be charming , I know when they’re going to start telling you some really nasty gossip about some girl that lives in your dorm, I know when they’re going to ask me what i did over the summer, I know when they’re going to pull up a chair and straddle it backward and start bragging in a terribly quiet voice—- or name-dropping in a terribly quiet, casual voice.  There is an unwritten law that people in a certain social or financial bracket can name-drop as much as they like just as long as they say something terribly disparaging about the person as soon they’ve dropped his name- that he’s a bastard or a nymphomaniac or takes dope all the time, or something horrible.” She broke off again. She was quiet for a moment, turning the ashtray in her fingers and being careful not to look up and see Lane’s expression. “i’m sorry.” she said. “It isn’t just Wally Campbell. I’m just picking on him because you mentioned him. And because he just looks like someone that spent the summer in Italy.”

“He was in France last summer, for your information.” Lane stated. “I know what you mean,” he added quickly, “but you’re being goddam un-“

“All right, ” Franny said wearily. “France.” She took a cigarette out of the pack on the table. ” it isn’t just Wally. It could be a girl, for goodness’ sake.   I mean, if he were a girl- somebody in my dorm, for example- he’d have been painting scenery in some stock company all summer. or bicycled through Wales. Or taken an apartment in New York and worked for a magazine or an advertising company.   it’s everybody, I mean.  Everything everybody does is so- I don’t know- not wrong, or even mean, or even stupid necessarily.  but just so tiny and meaningless and - sad-making.  And the worst part is, if you go bohemian or something crazy like that, you’re conforming just as much as everybody else, only in a different way.”  She stopped.  She shook her head briefly, her face quite white….

….”I feel so funny,” she said. ”I think I’m going crazy. Maybe I’m already crazy”

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